NEW YEAR'S EVE

I'm feeling a bit under the weather on this New Year's Eve. We didn't even eat our traditional dinner of fajitas. I wanted to tackle the garage today since it was relatively warm, but it rained ALL DAY and the Ninja Baby (outside cat) stayed in there to keep dry. Oh well.
Tomorrow I will feel better, since I'm in bed extra early. My cat is here with me and it's not terribly cold. A little garlic, sandalwood oil, and colloidal silver will fix me. Ahhh....cozy.

WICKED WEATHER

I'm not feeling well today. The sudden switch in weather from warm and balmy to cold and windy has sort of made my throat and sinuses go haywire. I'm still working to finish Yule presents for the grandkids in time to send them New Year's eve. After the New Year festivities, this house is going to get decluttered and cleaned from top to bottom!

ANYBODY OUT THERE?

I'm less than halfway through this one year journey I started 151 days ago and already I am tempted to quit. While I realize there have been many days when I wrote something less than profound, I HAVE written quite a few posts worth reading. In spite of that, I haven't had a comment or picked up a follower since 2010. That's actually one of the main reasons there have been as many days of skimpy writing as there have been. While I wasn't aiming for international renown, I WAS hoping a few people here and there would find some comfort or inspiration in my journey. I began this whole thing with the idea that SOMEONE would derive benefit from the more substantial writings. Now, I wonder if I should have just kept a personal journal instead. I wonder.....

COLD

It was too cold for me to do much of anything today. I guess I need the extra rest in order to keep from getting sick. At least it's not super windy tonight like it was all night last night. Man, it was cold! I set the thermostat on 67F, but this morning it was 61F in the house and the heater had been running non-stop. I went and bought 2 electric oil radiators, but one of them was smashed in the box. Sigh. I have to return it tomorrow. May as well do grocery shopping while I'm out.
Stay warm, everyone.

SLUG-A-DAY

I went to my mother's for the evening. It was less stressful than I anticipated. It was a long drive though and I'm beyond exhausted. Now it's time to take a "slug-a-day", a day for doing NOTHING! Tomorrow (today actually, since it's after midnight) is Christmas. Everything will be closed anyway. I might as well get some rest.

YULE CELEBRATION

The Yule dinner went reasonably well. However, I was so stressed out about the decorating that the food wasn't up to par. I took on too much as far as the decor, so that I ran out of time to finish all that I had planned. I think I appeared uptight and stiff the whole time. While the room did look pretty, I felt too stressed to enjoy any of it properly. It just goes to show what happens when one is trying to hard at making things spectacular. I got that from my mother, who always went all out to make her home look festive and fabulous for parties. As I recall, she was pretty stressed about that sort of thing as well. Next year, I intend not to fuss so much over the decor. Sheesh.

BUSY DAY

Today, I was very busy with shopping, baking, decorating, and cleaning. Tomorrow will be more of the same. Then, my family is coming for Yule dinner. I'm looking forward to cooking our traditional Indian dinner with a beautiful Yule log cake. The decorations are going to be amazing. We will exchange gifts, eat good food, and listen to beautiful music. Each of us will light a gold candle with a wish for someone else. Tomorrow night, I will write about all of it.

PREPARING FOR YULE

I have finally finished the Yule gifts for people I will see in a few days. I didn't shop today, because it was very windy and cold out. Since I've had a sore ear for several days, I thought getting out in a cold wind wasn't a great idea.
Tomorrow, I HAVE to go shopping, do food prep, cleaning, and decorating for the Yule dinner. I hope it turns out to be a good evening for everyone.

DAY OFF

I took the day off from making Yule gifts to go to a movie and dinner, followed by a stroll in a pretty place. The stroll was my favorite part, by far. The huge trees along the river were strung with hundreds of colorful lights. It was festive and peaceful at the same time. Some of the trees were over 40 feet tall. I wondered how they got the lights up in them. It was breathtaking. I wish I could have stayed there longer. I'm back home now and I'm pretty beat. Time for rest. Grocery shopping and laundry tomorrow, along with finishing my Yule projects.

NINJA BABY

I guess it's time to write about the despair now. Many days ago, the little stray cat we have been feeding for 3 years suddenly stopped eating. Three whole days went by and he had not eaten. He was beginning to stagger when he walked. At one point, when he fell asleep at the edge of a flower bed, he ended up falling upside down into the bed, without bothering to right himself. He seemed to be asking us for help, but since he had never allowed us close enough to pet him, we didn't know how we would get him to the vet.
It was a weekend, so a nearby emergency pet hospital was our only choice. They advised us to "throw a blanket over him" and grab him up in it. Right. Still, faced with the possibility of losing him to liver failure, we began to hatch a plan. After rehearsing dozens of dubious scenarios, we grabbed a heavy, old quilt and tried to casually get close to him, inches at a time. No dice. He became more and more wary and kept moving away. Finally, out of the blue, he decided to actually eat a little bit. Just a tablespoon of salmon and a few kibbles. He ate three other small meals that day, and over the next few days, he gradually became his "old" self again. I think something frightened him to an extent that he could neither eat nor empty his bowels. Pretty scary for such a little guy. I'm so very glad he's OK. After the quilt fiasco, however, he became a bit more wary of us. I think he will get over it. I'm just happy he is here.

JOY

Several days ago, I mentioned joy and despair, neither of which I felt ready to discuss. Right now, I'm ready to talk about some of the joy. I have experienced rather more of that lately than I have in a LONG time. What is the joy about? It's about looking at my ordination credentials and realizing I am in the process of crossing a threshold into a new and exciting time in my life. It's about having the time to do things I love to do. It's about NOT feeling physically horrible for the first time in many years. For decades, I usually felt so bad, it was hard to even be civil, much less pleasant. That's the bottom line right there. The lousy, all over my body, head to foot AWFUL feeling has improved so much since I began taking thyroid meds. And that makes everything better. After feeling rotten for so long, it just feels wonderful to feel somewhat normal. That gives me hope and a fresh, new outlook.

ORDINARY DAY

Today was another busy and somewhat stressful day. My back pain is still pretty bad, so I'm not up for typing much. I guess this month is turning out to be busier and more hectic than I thought it would. Still, overall, I'm feeling better than I did a few months ago. Right now, I'm going to allow a lovely DVD of holiday music and beautiful scenery to lull me off to sleep. Tomorrow is grocery day.

BAKE-A-THON

The bake-a-thon went well and it was a lot of fun hanging out with my daughter. It always starts off being festive and exciting, but by the time we have made 100 cookies or so, we are both beat and dragging. I went to bed hurting all over again. It WAS fun though!

LONG DAY TOMORROW

I've been on my feet all day and my back kills. I'm going to bed now. I have a VERY LONG day tomorrow. My daughter and I will be having our annual bake-a-thon and listening to Latin music. Wheeeee!

BUSY DAYS

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and the day I have to buy loads of baking ingredients for our annual family "bake-a-thon". Very busy days ahead. I'm still not ready to talk about the challenges of the past several days.

PRECARIOUS

I had about 3 joyful days in a row, which is a very good thing. Since last night, however, some sudden changes have taken place which have made me cave in to worry and despair. At this moment, I can discuss neither the joy nor the despair, lest the precarious scales of my emotions tip too far in the wrong direction.

BETTER

Today was even busier than yesterday.  My energy level is better these days, as is my mood. The thyroid meds really seem to be helping. I have millions of thoughts swirling around my head these days. Being busy with things I enjoy is very good for me. I have some things to share, but I need to rest for now.

YULE MAGIC

It was another very busy day. The repair guy came to fix my lights a day early! I'm so grateful to have light in my room just in time for me to get to work on Yule gifts. Wow, I'm tired. But the living room looks magical. I plan on making even MORE magical before Yule gets here.

DECKING THE HALLS

I spent nearly the whole day decorating for Yule. Here I was, listening to all these songs about snow and blazing fireplaces and sleigh rides, while wearing shorts and sandals. It got up into the 80s today. Some winter weather, eh? After a day of going at this, I still have halfway to go to be finished decking the halls. Tomorrow, I have some cleaning to do too, because a man is coming over the next day to fix the non-working lights in my room. I haven't had properly working lights for about 2 weeks. I surely do miss it!

SOUL WORK

Lately, I have been concentrating more and more on putting some order to the cluttered aspects of my life in the hope of creating space for me to live my dreams. At this point, I only have a few that truly matter to me. One of them is to be around to see my daughter raise her children, to be an important part of her life....and theirs. I would like to be healthy and fit enough to play an active role in their lives, attend their weddings, and see their kids. Another dream is to do something fulfilling and meaningful as minister. Hopefully many things. My other dream involves the completion of a musical project that has already been years in the making. It has grown considerably since its inception so long ago. Those are my biggest, most important dreams. Dreams that I believe are completely attainable if I get myself into better shape, physically and emotionally. I'm working on it.

This month will be a busy one. I have so much to do to get ready for Yule and the holidays that follow. There won't be as much time for organizing and soul work. But, perhaps in making gifts for people I love, I will be doing some inner work, particularly of the healing sort. I will be sure to write about any personal discoveries, insights, or breakthroughs that I experience along the way.

GEARING UP

Today was a flurry of activity, gearing up to go from fall to winter. I'm excited to step into a new season. I'm pretty tired right now. Tomorrow will be another big day, getting a Yule tree and decorating the house. Right now, I'm feeling restless, but beat. Time to rest.

WINTER PROJECTS

I woke up today with a bad headache, feeling depressed. I decided to focus on doing stuff to lift my spirits. First, I took care of several tasks that had to be done. Then, I treated myself to Chinese food, delivered to the house. I was ravenous! After eating, I was planning to do some holiday projects, but the food made me feel suddenly wiped out. I didn't sleep much last night, so it suddenly caught up with me. I had to lie down for a bit. I ended up falling into a deep, hard sleep and woke up feeling drugged. After that, every time I geared up to do something, I quickly lost momentum and started dragging. Until dark, I had almost no energy at all. Then I was able to do a little holiday decorating and such, before my energy waned again.
Tomorrow, I have to do grocery shopping and switch things over from autumn to winter. Every three months, I change my wardrobe and dishes to match the season. I also change the scent of my toiletries. In winter, I wear black, white, grey, purple, and dark blue. I scent my lotion and soap with frankincense. It's uplifting and refreshing to make a major change with each season. I enjoy it. Some people think it's odd, but I've been doing it for over 10 years. It's like a fresh start four times a year.

SHIFTED FOCUS

My focus today was different than it had been the previous two days. I focused on pushing myself to get some things done. For the most part, it was a good experience. I got plenty of stuff done, yet had quite a few breaks for rest. I did some of the things I wanted to do as well, like painting, reading, and hanging out with the little cat that stays in our backyard. It feels good that he's trusting me more than he used to. Every now and then, something out there will spook him and he'll go back to being skittish for awhile. He gets over it though. It just takes patience. I've found that I have far LESS patience than I did even 10 years ago. I am working on myself, however, so I will get better about that.

FANCY

Today, I focused on doing whatever struck my fancy. I did some painting. I worked on organizing  and rearranging several rooms. I cooked a nice dinner. I also rested when I felt like I needed it. All in all, it was a pretty good day. Little by little, over the past few days, I've made progress in every room of the house, including the garage. I have yet to tackle the garden, but I will be up to it soon enough, I'm sure. It was really nice doing what I truly felt like doing, instead of what I thought I was "supposed" to do. Hmmm....What a concept....

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Recently, I have begun to see that my objectives for "focus" have sort of fallen by the wayside. I think I've finally figured out that whenever I set up some things to focus on, it only takes a few days for the intention to fall flat. In other words, I tend to forget. I suppose I should have realized that saying, "For the next 7 weeks, I'm going to focus on _______", would result in failure. What I need to do, is focus on ONE DAY. I think I can stay focused THAT long! The next day, I might choose the same focus or I might pick a different one. Either way, I can stick with an idea for a day. Thich Nhat Hanh says that at the end of each day, if you have taken a few steps in the direction of your ideals, then that is enough. If not, there's tomorrow. So....I will begin anew tomorrow focusing on that day only. After that, I will figure out where to go the next day. Hopefully, that will allow me to maintain some degree of focus. We'll see.

THANKSGIVING

I had a busy, pleasant day with my family. I am very grateful to have been able to spend time with them, even if it was pretty short. I was quite bothered by what seemed like a reduction in hearing in my right ear. I need to see what I can do to prevent a permanent problem. Music is way too important for me to ignore that.
I told my daughter about my ordination and plans. She was extremely supportive and said that the whole idea was really "me". I'm so happy to have the support and encouragement of those closest to me.

NO MORE

I spent the day preparing for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I don't even want to go into the complications and technical difficulties that came up. I'm grateful that we have plenty of food and a way to cook it, as well as a few people with whom to share it. I still have tons to do, but I'm turning in for the night.
I feel much better than I did yesterday. What a relief! No more of THAT drug for me! Ugh!

NEW ANTIDEPRESSANT FIASCO

Yesterday, I didn't post because I had that doc's appointment and was preoccupied with that. The doctor made a guess that I have an inner ear issue, like Meniere's or calcium deposits. She said to wait a bit to see if things cleared up. If not, I'll need to see a neurologist. She suggested that I wait until January to start taking the new antidepressant, but I told her I'd rather start now.
Today, I took the first pill and I wish I hadn't. In addition to a super-horrible headache that has lasted 7 hours so far and so much nausea that I haven't been able to eat at all, I have felt totally spaced and zombie-like. I think I WILL wait until January. With Thanksgiving and other holidays ahead, I don't need to be laid up with this! Man, I sure hope these feelings are gone by tomorrow! I still have to shop, clean, and cook for Thanksgiving!

GEARING UP FOR THANKSGIVING

I was VERY tired and in a lot of pain today. It really annoys me how little I can do before I feel wiped out. Tomorrow, I see the doctor and pick up the new antidepressant. I hope this beautiful weather continues for awhile. For now, I'm grateful it was a pleasant weekend and that I did accomplish some things last week. I'm planning to spend this coming week in preparation for Thanksgiving. I look forward to cooking a nice meal and spending time with people I love.

GLORIOUS

In spite of the fact that I felt pretty lousy all day, I did have a wonderful outing in a nearby town. I had a great meal of fresh trout at a cozy restaurant, perused an old fashioned general store, and became captivated by the musical magic of a pair known as Heartstrings. They played these amazing stringed instruments called Chapman sticks. Their music carried me off to a place of bliss and joy such as I haven't experienced in a long while. It almost made me cry. It was truly a glorious day. The weather was perfect, cool and clear, with a slight breeze. For several hours, I set aside pain, fatigue, and worry, and immersed myself in the pure joy of the moment. It was so refreshing and uplifting.
I came home feeling as though I had been beaten all over. Knackered. Wasted. Sore from head to foot. Still, the memory is LOVELY. I hope to do something like that again soon.

STEPS BACKWARDS

About a week ago, I was meditating daily and doing things that were helping me. That feels like years ago to me now. I guess I have been pretty worried about the headaches, vertigo, and disequilibrium I have been experiencing lately. It's impossible not to think about it. In the past, when I had similar symptoms, it was because my neck was messed up. After 2 or 3 days, however, it went away. This time, it has lasted weeks and my balance is really off. It's disconcerting, to say the least. Monday, I will find out whether my ears are playing a part in this. Then, I might see a chiropractor. If the doctor thinks I will need a CT scan, I guess I will go along. Better for them to find nothing than for me to worry like this. In spite of the fact that worrying is useless, I do feel rather preoccupied of late. I need to resolve this issue, so I can resume the activities that were helping me do better emotionally. I'm also hoping the antidepressant will help. I need a boost right about now.

ORDINATION

Well....I am now an officially ordained minister, enrolled in seminary. I think that's pretty exciting. I look forward to this ordination opening doors for me in the future. I think it will enable me to do a lot of good once I get better emotionally and physically.
On a different note, I'm seeing the doctor again tomorrow to look into the continuing "drunk" feeling, with its accompanying vertigo and disequilibrium. I've been having headaches too. If my inner ear isn't the culprit, I suppose I will be getting a CT scan. Ugh.
I will also be picking up a new antidepressant tomorrow. We'll see how that one works.

INTERNAL BARRIERS

Rumi said, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." That is the BOTTOM LINE in this journey I am on. To discover and eliminate all the obstacles that I have knowingly (or unknowingly) erected over the years of my life. Obstacles to my being able to love without the shackles of blinding anger, false pride, and paralyzing fear. All that has become a roadblock to my ability to live my dreams and be the person I was meant to be.
 I once wrote, "The fortress I have built to protect myself has become my prison. A prison which, long ago, ceased to contain doors or windows that could have offered me escape. So, here I am, trapped in a dungeon of my own making. A cold, dark Bastille constructed of anger and fear. Who will rescue me from myself? Who will break these chains that keep me from experiencing true freedom?" While there have been passersby who have let a sliver of light into my dungeon, it seems it is ultimately up to ME to discover the secret passage out of here. Aside from rotting in this hellhole, it is my ONLY real choice.

LATIN MUSIC FESTIVAL

I went to see my daughter yesterday and didn't get home until after midnight. I had a great time having dinner with her and her boyfriend and listening to music at the Latin Music Festival. The weather was perfect for it. The evening was topped off by getting to watch my daughter's good friends spin fire. It was amazing! I took loads of good pictures for her. It was very freeing and exhilarating to be in the midst of all that fun and celebration. I was actually able to leave my worries behind and embrace joy for an evening. I'm really happy I went, in spite of not having been able to sleep until 4am the night before.

PRODUCTS OF EGO

I've been thinking lately about times when people (myself included) get irritated or offended by others. In those cases, when we are feeling upset, we are almost always thinking about OURSELVES. We feel slighted, cheated, mistreated, or deprived.We imagine that the other person is deliberately being rude or hateful, when in reality, they probably aren't thinking of us AT ALL. They are thinking about "el numero uno", just as we usually are.
I recall a time when my job was to inventory the stock in various retail stores. During one such assignment, I literally had my head in a convenience store refrigerator counting the cold drinks and standing on a ladder. A man came along and wanted something out of the cooler I was counting in. Of course, I couldn't hear him speak over the loud whir of the cooler fans. Apparently, he had tried several times to get me to move. When I didn't hear him, he shouted, "How rude!" and stormed off. It was only then that I realized he had been speaking to me. He exited the store too fast for me to say anything. Had I known he was talking to me, I would have responded politely. I guess he never considered the fact that I might not be able to hear him, because HE couldn't hear the refrigerator fans. A friend of mine used to tell me it was always better to assume ignorance rather than malice on the part of another person. It makes sense.
Another time, while doing an inventory, I made some sort of mistake. My boss chewed me out right then and there. I was stung. Later, I found out he had just been diagnosed with cancer. His reaction to my mistake was all about his devastating and frightening news. My reaction to him was all about my own insecurity.  Our feelings of having been mistreated by another are usually tied to ego. Who are THEY to treat ME this way?  While we can't be expected to never feel insulted, I think we'd all do well to think about what's really going on when we feel annoyed or wronged by someone else. If nothing else, it might make US feel better. It is all about us, after all, right?

TOOLS

I have done some meditating the past few days. I have also started working on music again. It's rather exciting.
I lost my helper after only 2 days. It was pretty depressing at first. But then I got some wonderful garden tools for people who need to avoid bending. They're brilliant! I actually got some stuff done in the garden without hurting my back. One thing I did differently than usual was to STOP while I was still enjoying myself, rather than going until I was in loads of pain and continuing past the point of ridiculous excess. It felt really good to get some things done without feeling horrible after.

SOUL VOICE

Ambika Wauters said, "The more we develop attitudes that allow us ease, joy, and pleasure, the more energy we have for doing the difficult chores and tasks." That certainly makes sense to me. It tells me that I need to devote more time to the things I really WANT to to, the things that make me feel alive and vibrant. In the past, music was the greatest outlet for me. I could sing for hours on end, giving a voice to all that I felt and dreamed of. In music, I found an outlet for anger, joy, love, sadness, and every nuance in between. Somehow, during the past several years, I have lost touch with my very soul. I need to set aside time and energy for that again. MUSIC....the deepest love of my life. It is time for me to embrace it once more. It is time for my soul to get its voice back.

NEW FOCUS

Rumi said, "Yesterday has gone and taken away its tale.Today we must live a fresh story again." How appropriate for the focus of the next seven weeks of my journey. For the next 49 days, my focus will be on my physical and emotional well-being (especially food, rest, and exercise), fun, and JOY.
I'm going to look for ways to nourish the seeds of joy in me. My "fresh story" is going to be all about seeking joy and building it into my life.

HYPOTHYROIDISM

I can feel myself slipping back into the pit. I need to find a handhold or foothold pretty damn quick. I have an abundance of "free" time nowadays, but I lack the energy to take much action. The doctor at the local mental health place can't see me until NEXT YEAR.
Oh well. Tonight, everyone in the U.S. will gain back the hour they lost in April. May we all use it for something good. Tomorrow morning, I will start taking thyroid meds. Hopefully, they will help me feel better. It turns out that muscle weakness/stiffness are symptoms of hypothyroidism, as are ringing in the ears, dizziness, fatigue, depression, irritability, and pretty much all the other weird ailments that assail me. Here's to thyroid meds then. I'm starting on a very low dose, but we'll see.

REMEDIES

I wish I had not had to discontinue the antidepressants I was taking. It will probably be weeks before I'm able to start the new one, since I applied for assistance. I really would like to be taking something to help me over this hump. Tomorrow, I'm going to mix a bottle of flower essences and start using those. They have helped me TREMENDOUSLY in the past. I took 800mg of SAMe every day for over a year. That helped for quite awhile, then it didn't anymore. I haven't taken it for months. Maybe I should start again. I'm going to try an elimination diet after the holidays too. I really think a lot of my fatigue and general, all over lousy feeling may be caused by food intolerance. The weak, tipsy feeling often appears or gets MUCH worse after I eat. I should begin keeping a food journal, I guess.
I've been really tired all day and my back still hurts from gardening. Time to rest. Tomorrow, I have to get up early to do the grocery shopping and take advantage of the last day of early voting.

FOOD FOR THE SOUL

I overdid things again today when the boy came over to help. The garden is starting to look better though. So is the storage shed. Now, I will have 3 days off in a row to paint and do other "food for the soul" things while my back recovers from these past 2 days. I expect to have more interesting things to write about the rest of this week. Tonight, I'm going to rest and think about what I want to do tomorrow.

MEANING AND PURPOSE

Barbara De Angelis said that what allows us, as human beings, to psychologically survive life on earth, with all of its pain, drama, and challenges, is a sense of purpose and meaning. She defines purpose as a reason to exist, having something to do that matters. She defines meaning as deriving fulfillment and joy from living, that living your purpose is worth it.
THAT is precisely what I seek.....exactly what I need.
Barbara goes on to say that when your life lacks these elements, you are alive, but not really living. PURPOSE and MEANING. That, in a nutshell is what this journey is truly about. The bottom line. A few ideas are beginning to dawn on me as to how to go about this. I will share more as it becomes a little clearer to me.

REARRANGED PRIORITIES

I've decided to stop giving daily household tasks top priority all the time. I'm going to start giving top billing to meditation, writing, music, Tai Chi, and daily reading. After that, I will rotate priorities every day. One day, I will put creative projects at the top of the list. The next, Organizing and gardening will take a front seat. The following day, everyday household maintenance will come first. Each day, once I have spent what feels like a reasonable amount of time on that day's first priority, I will then devote some time to the things that are lower on the list. Some days the house might be a mess or we'll have to order pizza or take-out, but I will at least have time for what REALLY matters to me. Rather than using my limited energy only for what "should" be done, I can use it for more of the things that provide joy and self-expression. That seems like a more balanced approach to living, however unconventional it may be.

FULFILLMENT

I gave myself the day off from posting and tried to get some things done at home. I finally realized that all I usually manage to do is maintenance stuff. I work hard to do the dishes, laundry, cooking, shopping, putting things away, routine cleaning, ironing, and other such mundane tasks. Often, that is ALL I accomplish in a day. I tell myself I will get to other things once I have completed the everyday household tasks. I tell myself that AFTER these things are done, IF they are done, I will have earned some time to do things that I WANT to do or things I NEED to do in order to be happy and peaceful.
When all I can manage are the tasks that get repeated from day to day, I don't have any time to meditate, read, write, work on music, paint, do Tai Chi, organize the house, clean up the garden, keep up correspondence with people I care about, or any of a long list of things that would give me some degree of fulfillment. Wow! That really needs to change. I need to find a way to have time and energy for the things that are truly important to me WITHOUT totally neglecting the everyday things that require my attention.

HODGEPODGE

The fatigue, weakess, and vertigo sort of won the day once again today. I had my third and final session with the counselor at school. Because I'm withdrawing from school, I will no longer be eligible for counseling there. But the counselor tried to inform me of as many resources as possible. It was a good talk. I spoke to her about this journey of mine. One of the things she said was that I had spent many years packing for the journey, but had never really TAKEN it. That really resonated with me. I really NEED to do something. Something bold and daring. Something unusual. I have no idea what that might be. I guess I'll know it when I see it.
In the meantime, I have to get to the bottom of these scary and debilitating symptoms. If I have to see a neurologist, get a CT scan or an MRI, I guess I will find a way to do it. It frustrates me that now that I have quit school and have TIME to do things, I feel physically incapacitated. I have to get better somehow. That's all. There's too much left for me to do in this life, too much I WANT to do. I feel like giving up, but I can't do that. I refuse to.

TUNING OUT

I've been thinking about what I wrote yesterday and I think I've figured something out. One of the reasons ADDers have such a hard time staying in the moment is that many of us spend a great deal of our time tuning things out. For a lot of us, it is necessary to block out at least SOME of the stuff we see, hear, smell, and feel if we want to preserve our sanity. Never mind the thousands of racing thoughts. THAT's a whole other subject. The fact is that people who are super sensitive, are frequently prone to sensory overload. If we can't block out some of what our senses are picking up, we can easily be driven over the edge like a leaf going over Niagra Falls. It is rather tricky to actually stay in the moment when one is having to ESCAPE from things that are taking place in the present. Each of us has his or her own methods for tuning things out, none of which are conducive to being fully present. I guess I will need to examine this more deeply in order to gain some insight into this puzzling matter.

SENSORY OVERLOAD

Today, as one of my cats was being her usual loud and demanding self, I found myself feeling overwhelmed by the noise and by being followed from room to room, unable to find peace. Even if I pick her up and pet her for awhile, the instant I put her back down, the constant yowling and following starts all over again, as though I had never picked her up at all. In the midst of this feeling of being surrounded by chaos, I beacme aware that I have spent MUCH of my life feeling overwhelmed by things. Sounds, repetitive motion, smells, extreme temperatures, scratchy clothing, flies and mosquitoes, dripping sweat, nagging responsibilities, demands from within and without, have always conspired to drive me insane.....or so it has appeared.
 Loud, sudden noises, faucets dripping, clocks ticking or chiming, trains passing, neighbors partying, doors banging, motorcycles roaring, dogs barking, wind howling, thunder clapping, sirens wailing, phones and ears ringing. Fans spinning, feet swinging, cats' tails swishing, wiper blades moving to and fro, lights flashing, turn signals blinking, people and cars rushing along like ants escaping a flood. Heavy perfume, cigarette smoke, exhaust fumes, cat piss, dog poo, things burning, fresh tar on the road, dirty feet, people in the grocery line smelling of old beer, urine, vomit, and body odor. Hot, sticky, sweltering, claustrophobic days and nights without so much as a hint of a breeze. Dark, damp, frigid days where the cold seeps in through cracks in doors and walls and straight into my very bones, settling in for the night. Gnats, flies, and mosquitoes that form a cloud around any warm blooded creature who dares to venture outdoors, even for a minute. Then they have the gall to follow me INSIDE, so they can buzz and swarm around my head while I try to read in bed or fly into my nose and mouth each time I breathe or yawn or eat me alive while I toss and turn, unable to locate them and smash them. Laundry and dishes waiting to be washed, bills waiting to be paid, floors waiting to be swept and cleaned, cats waiting to be fed and petted, litter boxes and trash cans waiting to be taken out, appointments to keep, phone calls to return, letters and e-mails to answer, piles of clutter begging to be organized and put away, flowers that need to be dead headed, weeds that need to be removed, and gardens that require water and other care, grass than needs to be cut before it covers all the windows of the house. People who want to be heard, charities who want help, neighbors with complaints, solicitors and bill collectors making demands at all hours (often from people who no longer have this phone number), strangers who insist on giving unwanted advice, people suffering, longing, hurting, needing..... and my body's demands for food, drink, rest, relief from pain and fatigue. All these things and MANY more have hounded me day in and day out for as long as I can remember.
 Granted, most people deal with these sorts of things, but for those of us who are born hypersensitive, many of these things are multiplied to be louder, more obnoxious, and more relentless than most people perceive them to be. Sometimes, it feels like thousands of VERY different radio stations all playing at once. It makes me want to scream. In other words, it is OVERWHELMING. So much so that it is often difficult, even impossible, to feel calm and at ease on a daily basis. I know this is very common for people with ADD and other forms of "sensitivity". Somehow though, there must be a way of living a good, peaceful life, in spite of all that. There has to be. I intend to find it....

Not about the destination

I rested most of the day today. I've decided not to judge myself for not focusing perfectly on gratitude and living in the moment. I have spent more time trying to take care of my physical health. I know I will revisit this part of my journey at some point. It IS a journey, after all and it isn't about a destination. It is about learning and exploring and becoming better at loving. Now that I've had a week or so to relax and get some things done around here, I'm feeling a lot less stressed and a bit less depressed as well. I look forward to doing more of the things I really WANT to do, instead of the things that have no relevance for me.

Symptoms going away

The horrible symptoms have pretty much disappeared. Whew! Today, I attempted to tackle some outdoor tasks that desperately needed to be tended to. As people with chronic fatigue tend to do when they have a rare day of unusual energy, I overdid things. Now I'm exhausted and sore, but happy to have FINALLY done some much needed gardening. Hopefully, I won't be too tired to do things tomorrow. I'm just VERY happy not to have the added burden of class assignments, etc. YAY!!! I now have time to do things around here that I had to put off for so long. It will take time, but I WILL make progress.

Another antidepressant

The scary symptoms appear to be subsiding since I discontinued the antidepressant. I finally got an intake at the local mental health clinic. I waited there for over 90 minutes before the intake (done by video) began. Afterwards, I was informed that I wouldn't be able to actually see a doctor until NEXT YEAR! I have an appointment with the doctor at school tomorrow. I also have my third meeting with the anxiety support group there. I like the group so far. Unfortunately, I will probably not be allowed to continue, since I'm withdrawing from school. I won't be able to keep seeing the counselor either. Somehow, I need to find a place to get some counseling for awhile. I need to find a way to get on a different antidepressant as well. The school doctor wants me to go on a medication that costs almost $200 a month, even at the lowest dose. She says there is a patient assistance program that will pay for the meds for a year, but it will take at least a month for that to start. It seems that whatever avenue I take, it will be several weeks before I can get help. Oh well....I guess there's nothing for it.

ALARMING AND DEBILITATING

These alarming and debilitating symptoms have sort of thrown me off balance ( what little I had anyway). Tomorrow, I will see another doctor about all this. If I'm not satisfied with what he tells me, I will try to make an appointment with my regular doctor, whom I haven't seen in about 18 months. I have to find out what's going on with my body. Everyday tasks have become so hard.
I have discontinued the antidepressant, because these symptoms, in rare instances, can be caused by that particular medication. The side effect is called rhabdomyolisis, a condition wherein one's own body attacks the skeletal muscles, causing muscle weakness/stiffness and fatigue. My doctor at school wanted to test for that, but the school's lab doesn't do that particular test. I may ask my regular doctor to do it. Damn the costs. I have to find out what's wrong and how to fix it. The sooner, the better.

Stopping antidepressants

The disturbing symptoms persist. It's hard to focus on anything else and not to be worried about it all. I'm really hoping to get some answers soon. One of the possibilities is that I'm having some very rare side effects to the antidepressant I've been taking. The doctor at school had me cut the dosage in half. After several days at half dose, the symptoms are no better. I plan to simply STOP the medication completely until I get a satisfactory explanation for what I have been experiencing. I'm finding it difficult not to be scared about the way I feel physically. I'm still trying to practice gratitude, but it's not easy right now.

INTERFERENCE

Ridiculously exhausted today with muscle stiffness/weakness. I have an appointment with another doctor on Monday. I can't go on feeling like this. I have to find some way to feel better soon. This is debilitating and it interferes with every other aspect of my life right now.

QUITTING SCHOOL

I had a productive session with the counselor today. I decided to withdraw from school, for many reasons. I really should not have enrolled this semester. Tomorrow will be my first day of NOT worrying about classes and assignments. Now maybe I can get back on the path I started out on in this journey. The weird symptoms remain a mystery, but I hope to unravel it all soon.

Withdraw from school?

I'm still having bizarre, scary symptoms. I'm thinking of withdrawing from school altogether. I'll be seeing the counselor at school tomorrow and will probably make my decision then.

SYMPTOMS

I'm still not much closer to finding the cause of some of my symptoms. The doctor did determine that I had a pretty bad infection and she prescribed antibiotics.That wouldn't account for all the weird symptoms though. How much, if any of this is caused by the antidepressant is unclear. Hopefully, I will feel a good deal better soon and can get back to writing real stuff again.

RUNNING TESTS

Missed school today in order to see a doctor. She ran a bunch of tests, some of which I won't have results from until at least tomorrow. She did determine that I have a pretty bad infection and prescribed antibiotics. For now, I feel really rotten. I also feel like I have been letting everything slip for the past week or so. The garden, the house, school, and my journey have all been neglected while I've felt lousy. I did say that one of things I was focusing on was my physical health, so maybe it's not a total loss. I can only hope these bizarre and frightening symptoms will turn out to be something relatively minor and I will feel "normal" again soon.

UNMET NEEDS

In spite of how awful I felt all day, I wanted to write more about the idea that love is the answer.
On day 34 of my journey, I wrote about feeling angry for no apparent reason. I asked myself what was underneath it all and what the foundation was. Marshall Rosenberg said that underneath all anger was unmet need. I agree. If I approach my anger with love and compassion, I will be able to see the unmet needs underlying it. Then, I can try to find ways to meet those needs. The only way to deal with anger in myself is LOVE. With that in mind, I'm going to see if I can identify the need beneath my anger.

FORTRESS

So, a few days ago I mentioned love being the answer to important questions. On Day 4 of my journey, I wrote that I needed to find a way out of the fortress I had built around myself. I realize that's not exactly a question, but there's a "how" in there somewhere. If I look at this question through the eyes of love, I can see that, once again, I need to tap into the "great love" within me and in the universe. I believe love CAN set you free from fortresses made of all sorts of things. Some fortresses are made of anger. Some are made of ignorance. Others are comprised of  such things as pride, self-loathing, or shame. Mine is mostly made of fear. What is YOUR fortress made of?

LOVE IS THE ANSWER

Barbara DeAngelis said, "Whatever the question, love is the answer." That sounds pretty good to me. I've been thinking about some of the questions I have asked since the start of this journey. I'm going to be looking at some of those and seeing if I can apply love to them and get an answer.
I talked about finding my pack and I asked, "How can I do this?" and "Where do I start?"
In a way, I think I have already made a start by writing this blog. Hopefully some of what I write will resonate with others. In that case we will have found each other through my writing. However, I don't want to leave LOVE out of the equation. If I can learn to really love who I am, in spite of all my flaws, I think that will help. Then, I will be better at tapping into that "great love" inside and I can reach out to others more effectively. So, I guess I can START to find my pack by learning to love ME ( I know. Bad grammar!) Once I get better at tapping into that great love, resonant souls will find me. There. That's an answer. There are several other questions I want to examine in this way. This is all I can do for now though. More later.

TIME MACHINE

I have not yet learned how to stay in the moment. I realize it's going to take practice. It is nearly impossible for ADDers to STAY in the moment, unless we are totally engaged by what's going on at the time. In other words, I'm super focused on that which interests, excites, or fascinates me. I can work for days on end doing something I feel deeply involved in. However, if whatever is happening in the moment doesn't interest me, if I don't consider it enjoyable or important, my mind retreats to other playgrounds.
Actually, if I'm to be honest, I have to say that where my mind goes isn't always a "playground", or more precisely, an escape. In fact, it usually isn't a retreat that my mind wanders off to. More often, my mind travels away to the land of Regret and Shame (past) or the land of Fear and Dread (future). My brain meanders through the tangled mazes of "what if" and "if only" or gets lost in the misty swamps of discontent.
I realize it's all about being in the present moment, but I often find the moment unpleasant or uninteresting. While I don't exactly spend my days wallowing in ennui, there are times when I feel less than captivated by what's happening in the here and now. That is when I employ "escapes". But most of the time it is the seductive pull of rumination (future) and lamentation (past) that encourages my frequent forays into the land of limbo....the world between worlds. The place that is uninhabitable because it doesn't exist in the NOW. In reality, it doesn't exist AT ALL. The past is no longer here and the future hasn't arrived yet. All we really have is, as Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes put it, is "here and now". I just need to figure out how to be there.

JUST A DAY

It was a stressful day for me. I'm trying to plow my way through several lengthy and esoteric readings for my philosophy class. I'm way behind and the teacher keeps piling more on. Anyone with ADD knows how difficult it is for us to read long, boring books and articles.
I took the increased dose of antidepressant today. I really hope this stuff helps soon.

AUTUMN FEAST

I spent the day preparing for my sister, my daughter and her boyfriend to come for dinner. I decorated the house with autumn leaf garlands, fresh flowers, and candles. I made green chile stew, pumpkin soup, cheddar cornbread, and a pumpkin orange cake. The cornbread turned out awful for some reason, but the rest was pretty good. It was a pleasant visit, if rather short.
I finished painting a statue of St. Francis for the backyard. I'm grateful for having finished that and for this day with people I love. Tomorrow, I have to hit the books, because I'm so far behind in my reading for my philosophy class. The readings are long and tedious, but there's nothing for it.
I was so busy today that I forgot all about my one minute meditation. Now it's late and I hurt all over. Oh well, I can try for tomorrow.

PUSHING BEYOND INERTIA

I have pushed hard all day to get things done at home. I spent the day fighting against the inertia which depression spawns. I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING today. I felt lousy; emotionally, physically, and mentally. Right now, my head feels like it will soon explode. I have to find some way to DE-stress, to let go of some of the heavy burden I seem to be dragging around. I need to relax and just BE, without all the mental chatter and emotional tension. I should have stuck to my original plan to take a semester off. Instead, I chose to enroll in classes, thinking it would be better to get out and take part in something engaging. So far, the classes have been more stressful than engaging. Rather boring too. I probably just need to rethink things a bit.....AFTER I relax.

BREATHING

I have had increasingly severe breathing problems over the past few weeks. It has become rather alarming. Today was the worst. I almost went to the ER. I'm just trying to hold out until my doctor's appointment the day after tomorrow.

CHRONIC FATIGUE

Several days ago, I decided to narrow my focus to three main things; taking steps to get my body into better shape, focusing on the here and now, and thinking more about the things in my life for which I am grateful. Well....today I fell quite short of those goals. Instead, I felt sort of crazy and restless, like EVERYTHING required a great deal of effort on my part. For weeks, I have been PUSHING myself to just do the simple tasks that I NEED to do in order to get from day to day.
I take care of things like showering, dressing, and basic hygiene, meals, laundry, dishes, and other surface cleaning. I haven't managed to do much beyond that. Even the little I do seems to take a tremendous amount of my limited energy. At the moment, I'm VERY weary of pushing so hard with so little to show for it. It's like I'm trying to shove a boulder from one place to another....uphill.  After hours of straining and gritting my teeth, I manage to move it a fraction of an inch.
 I've GOT to break free of this oppressive weight before it crushes me! In 3 days, I will be seeing the doctor and I plan to ask her to increase the dosage on my antidepressant. I have alerted both my professors about the difficulties I've been experiencing lately. Hopefully, they will be compassionate. Things will get better soon. They have to.

VICTIM/VOLUNTEER

It was another day of struggling for me. These days, I have to really push myself to do even the most basic things, like laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, and cooking. I haven't felt motivated to do much else.
Lately, I have been thinking about just how far back my depression goes. I recall a 7th grade classmate saying that I always looked sad. Looking back, I can see that I WAS sad most of the time from that age on. But I think the sadness goes back to a much earlier time. In reality, I was probably depressed before I even started school. By the time I was in 2nd grade, I felt that I was an outcast, that I didn't belong anywhere. I spent decades of my life drifting from place to place, searching for acceptance and love. In doing so, I unwittingly placed my heart into the hands of those who were derisive, hateful, domineering, and neglectful. After each foray into new social territory, I was invariably left shattered, convinced that I did not have a place in this world. In my youth, I entrusted myself to those who claimed authority over me. Later, I fell into a series of abusive and unfulfilling relationships. No matter what happened, I always wound up feeling unacceptable. I learned to expect rejection and abandonment. Now, I'm not claiming to be a victim. As Christine Lavin puts it, I was usually a volunteer. Maybe not as a young child, but certainly from my late teens on. I always meant well and gave everything I had, but it never seemed to be good enough in any given situation.
I have known others who have had experiences like mine or much worse. I do not find them unacceptable. Why, then, can I not view myself with the same love and compassion that I have been willing to give all those people who were so mean and cruel? Somehow, I have to find a way to do just that.

LIMBO

Today, I found myself deep in the land of "If Only". I tried to snap out of it by thinking, "moment", like I have been doing. But my thoughts kept pulling me back. Back to regret. Back to pointless longing. Clearly, the past isn't a place to live. I can't go back in time, neither can I be in the here and now when my mind is busy looking to the past. I am in "No Man's Land", neither here nor there. Some call this place "limbo".  My sister says that when one is in limbo, he or she is not living in the present moment. That is true enough. I realize that I have frittered away a significant portion of my adult life WAITING for something to happen. Waiting for relationships, finances, relocations. Waiting for OTHER people to take action. I put my life on hold waiting for "something" to happen. Once the elusive "something" took place, then my life could begin for real...or so I thought. Now, as I look over my past, it dawns on me that I was STUCK in limbo all those times. I was so busy waiting for my life to start, that I wasted a great deal of time NOT living at all! Lo and behold, LIFE went on without me while I lingered in a world of mindless yearning and ongoing discontent.
It is time for me to be grateful for the things I have NOW, right this minute, to stop waiting for something or someone outside of me to give me permission to begin living. One of my dear friends calls it, "waiting for Godot". Well, Godot may never arrive, so I need to get up and make my way in the world. I can start RIGHT NOW.

ABYSS

Today was an especially difficult day. I felt abysmally depressed, bordering on totally hopeless. My anxiety level was REALLY high. And the terrible thoughts were so frequent and intense that I couldn't keep them at bay.

COMPASSION FOR SUFFERING

I was able to see a counselor today. It comforts me a little to know I can see someone regularly before too long. I also plan to be part of an anxiety support group.
Today, I was feeding a stray cat that adopted us and our backyard a couple of years ago. He has had bad experiences with people and other cats, so he's easily frightened. Still, he trusts us enough to come close for food. As I sat there watching him, I started contemplating WHY people derive pleasure from scaring defenseless animals. How CAN they? Why do people enjoy making others suffer? My answer is that, deep down, they hate themselves. They are themselves victims of cruel treatment, derision, scorn, rejection, and abandonment. Thich Nhat Hanh says that when someone is causing you to suffer, THEY are also suffering very much. A good friend of mine told me that whenever someone was mean to her, she wondered who had done that to them. It's a hard thing to think of when people are unkind.
There's so much suffering in the world. I want to alleviate at least some of it.

I am still trying hard to stay in the moment. When I catch myself "reliving" bad memories or feeling scared of the future, I have usually been able to bring myself into the present by thinking, "moment". That brings me back to the here and now. I can't say I'm good at it yet, but I'm working on it.

A LITTLE HOPE, PLEASE

I began this day feeling pretty good, physically and emotionally. By mid-afternoon, however, I was in pain again and feeling sad and overwhelmed. I did work at staying in the moment and being grateful. I did fairly well at it until I started feeling bad. Oh well. It's a work in progress, I suppose. I guess that's how it goes when one is unaccustomed to being fully present. I'm sure I will improve with practice. I get to see a counselor tomorrow. Good. I could use some hope.

ADD AND THE PRESENT MOMENT

I got plenty of exercise today on campus. My classes are far apart and I walk briskly, so exercise is built in to my day whenever I have class. I thought a lot today about the things I'm grateful for. Staying in the moment presents a somewhat greater challenge, particularly with attention deficit disorder. However, I AM working on it and I expect to get better as I practice. I'm especially working at pulling my mind into the present when anxiety producing thoughts arise. I have a counseling appointment the day after tomorrow. My doctor's appointment got moved to next week.

NARROW FOCUS

I've decided that it would be a good idea to narrow my focus for right now. So...for the next several weeks, I'm going to focus on getting my body in better shape, living in the present moment, and being more aware of what I have to be thankful for. I think those things all relate to mindfulness, balance, and self-love. Yesterday, I said I intended to start loving myself as I am. I think caring for myself and staying in the moment are a few ways I can do that. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to see a counselor about some issues that I need help with. I will let you know how that turns out.

INNER DEMONS

Are we all merely products of our pasts? Are we nothing more than the sum of our experiences? Is it only the events and people in our lives that make us who we are? Can a person TRULY change at will or is she/he destined to be forever altered by every bend in the road?
I have spent a significant portion of my adult life trying to change myself, to rid myself of inner demons, old wounds, and vexatious behaviors that interfere with my relationships. Now I'm going to try something else. I'm going to love and accept myself in spite of my shortcomings. I think the only hope I have of changing for the better lies in totally embracing who I am right this moment. How can I become a more loving and compassionate person unless I can truly accept the person that is really ME? So there.... I finally had a flash of insight.
Rumi said, "Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place." Oh...THAT, in a nutshell, is what I long for in this life. To find that great and deep love within me, then open the tap for others who are searching for that love; for wounded souls who have lost their bearings in the fog of confusion produced by our society; for ravaged and broken spirits in need of comfort and tenderness. If I am to be THAT person, I must begin by knowing, accepting, and LOVING the person I am now.
After all, isn't that part of what this journey is about?

TREADING WATER

Here I am nearly 7 weeks into my "journey" and I feel like I have mostly been just treading water, so to speak. I don't feel as though I have been moving forward. In fact, I feel like I haven't moved AT ALL. Physical pain and debilitating depression and anxiety have played a huge part in that. It's like being in one of those dreams where I run as hard as I can, but I still don't get anywhere. But....I'm formulating a plan to get moving. To begin with, I have been taking antidepressants for over a week. I plan to see a counselor first thing next week. I will be seeing the doctor a few days later. I have an appointment with a chiropractor next week too. Little by little, I'm going to get my body feeling better, so I can begin to focus more on the things that matter to me. Feeling lousy doesn't exactly enhance one's ability to do good in the world. I may continue this journey longer than I originally planned. It's time to stop floundering. I have to MOVE somehow, past the pain, past the fear, past the despair. It may take more time than I would like, but at least I will be making some progress in the direction of my objectives. I will write more tomorrow. For now, I have to give my back a rest.

NOSTALGIA

Someone once said that nostalgia is a seductive liar. Sometimes I think that's true. Everyone has memories that, in retrospect, are more wonderful than the actual events they portray. Memories are a beautiful and important part of life. Lately, however, my lovely memories have been accompanied by a deep longing for days gone by. Perhaps this is normal when one is over 50. I look back on parts of my first 40 years with a yearning tinged with sadness. There were times in the past when I felt alive with passion and exhilarated by a connection with the world as a whole. I long to recapture those feelings of hopeful expectation I used to experience in my younger days. I wonder if I can. I intend to find out.

GUILT/SHAME~ WHAT A CROCK!

Someone once said that living with bitterness is like eating the peel and leaving the orange. One could say that living with regret is the same. We all make mistakes. Some are tiny and trivial. Others are catastrophic. Sometimes, if we're paying attention, we learn valuable things from those mistakes. But staying stuck in them isn't helpful to anyone. Living our lives from a place of deep remorse, guilt, shame, and self-deprecation helps NO ONE, improves NOTHING. Now, I've done my share of "eating the peel." In fact, I've been know to live on a steady diet of "peel" for very long periods of my life. Many people have.
I think the reason we live that way is because we feel, deep down, our errors and failings are so great that we do not deserve the "orange". On some level, we believe our actions are unforgivable. Thus, "eating the peel" is a form of perpetual penance we must live out in order to "pay" for our screw ups. It is a sort of psychic purgatory that we dwell in, waiting for someone somewhere to give us absolution. The reality is, the majority of these offences are such that the "victims" of our mistakes are either unable or unwilling to forgive us. It is up to us then, to forgive ourselves. WE are the only ones who can truly absolve ourselves and free ourselves from the self-made penalty box we have banished ourselves to.
In "Homecoming", starring Anne Bancroft, the Tillerman kids are trying to decide what to do after their mother abandons them. They are on a road trip with their mom when she leaves them in the car at a mall, far from their hometown. Dicey, the eldest girl, says, "We can't go back, but we gotta go somewhere." That about sums it up for all of us. We CAN'T go back, but we DO have to keep moving forward, in spite of mistakes we have made and the regret we feel when we think of them. I'm with Dicey. I know I can't go back and change things. All I can do is pick a direction and move. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I've had more than enough orange peel, thanks. I want some of the sweet, juicy FRUIT! How about you?

STIRRED UP

About a week ago, I became aware of anger building up in me. I haven't experienced anything like that in quite a long time. Lately though, I've been having explosions of rage over little things. I've had several days in which many things went wrong, when it felt as though my world was falling apart around me. Like a thread from my life was being pulled and it was unraveling a bit at a time. It was a feeling like someone might have if they were shut up in a hot room filled with cats in heat, clouds of flies and mosquitoes, irritating and repetitive noises going, had nothing to eat or drink all day or night, and were wearing horribly uncomfortable clothing. I just felt surrounded....closed in. Every little annoyance or mishap seemed to be greatly amplified. I have been aware of all this for days, yet have been unable to figure out where it's all coming from. What's underneath it all? What's the foundation? I have no answer yet, but I will.
Started 2 antidepressants today. I hope they help.

IN THE MOMENT

Today, I've been giving some thought to how little time most of us spend in the moment we are actually in, how much of our lives we spend NOT being where we are. My guess is that the majority of us spend most of our time not being "all there." Many of us drive along eating, talking, and playing the radio, not doing any of those things with our full attention. We watch a sunset while thinking about tomorrow's work or yesterday's conversation. We allow our minds to drift to other playgrounds while in the midst of conversations with others. All of us know what that feels like.
Speaking for myself, I have discovered many times in a day when I am doing one thing, but my mind is in the past or the future. My body is in the moment, but my mind is somewhere else in time. What a waste! I spend so much time regretting the past or fearing the future that I fail to enjoy what I have and where I am RIGHT NOW! Lately, when I've caught myself "not being there", I've just thought "moment" and that brought me back to the here and now. I think I would be much more content if I could simply stay in the current moment, rather than getting sucked into a time warp in my head. I will work on that.

LIVING WITHOUT LABELS

I gave myself permission not to write in here yesterday, so what I'm writing now is actually something I have been thinking of for awhile.

In her book If the Buddha Got Stuck, Charlotte Kasl talks about dropping all adjectives from the phrase, "I am". So, rather than saying "I am stupid" or "I am brilliant" or "I am no good", she suggests we try saying only, "I AM". Isn't that awesome?
I AM.      I AM.     I AM!!!
Whenever I have tried this concept, I felt exhilarated and light. All those adjectives, good AND bad are really a burden. Who needs more heavy junk to carry around anyway? I find the whole idea very freeing. Try it and see for yourself. Next time you are tempted to say, "I am _______", drop the missing word or phrase. I am. That's enough, I think.
No one is always nice or clever or gorgeous. Neither are they always rude or insensitive or clumsy. We are ALL capable of all sorts of behaviors, both desirable and undesirable. We all have our moments. If we know that's true, then why do we need those labels? They are a bit misleading at best. I am. Oh...it's truly an uplifting thought. Try it and see. Let go of those labels for one day. I DARE you!

DOWN THE RAPIDS

According to Thich Nhat Hanh, we do not have to be swept along by circumstances. Yet, it seems that many of us live as though we are. At times, it feels like we are tumbling helplessly down the rapids, with no way of stopping ourselves from being beaten up on the rocks. We feel carried away by external events, unable to get solid footing anywhere. I would rather NOT get carried off like that. It seems to me that the key to not being swept along that way has to come from within us. Some have called it our "center".  Being centered could help keep us from losing our footing in the midst of all that goes on around us. I'm not trying to say that one should never feel angry, scared, or discouraged. But it would be nice not to feel "out of control" so much of the time.

JETTISON

I have not been doing well lately, physically or emotionally. I have to get back on track ASAP. I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed. I need to decide what to place priority on and jettison the unnecessary junk that gets in my way. That is the only way I can see to get myself going again. I can't give up. I've barely gotten started. This is MY spiritual journey, after all.

BREAKTHROUGH

I've been giving some thought to the things that block me from being able to reach out with as much love and compassion as I would like. I've come to the conclusion that it's mostly FEAR that gets in the way of my ability to love more. That fear creates a chasm that makes it very difficult to touch other people's pain and needs; a barrier through which all my best intentions are filtered. Fear that prevents me from being open enough to share the feelings of others. This is a MAJOR issue that I need to work on. I want to transform my fear into compassion, for myself and others. Here then, is a breakthrough on my journey. I will give this some more thought.

PURSUING A DREAM

I have decided to finally pursue a dream that I've had for years. I'm going to become an ordained minister. My beliefs are ecumenical, therefore I have chosen a church with compatible beliefs. I feel really good about actually taking steps in this direction after having thought about it for so long. I believe in my ability to speak and sing in front of groups. I will have more ways to reach out and help others from many different religions and traditions. Although I have come to it rather late in life, I think it will be fulfilling. If I can help a few people find meaning in their lives or show them compassion, I will have succeeded in making this dream a reality.

BEYOND FEAR

I believe it was Kerr Cuhulain who said, "Only fools do not fear." I agree. To go through life completely heedless, believing oneself to be invincible is foolhardy indeed. However, being consumed and immobilized by fear is no way to live either.
Chogyam Trungpa said, "True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear, but going beyond fear."
BEYOND fear. It would seem that, in order to move beyond fear, one must either go through it or around it to get to the other side. I guess the choice depends upon the nature of the fear.
 I have lived a significant part of my life ruled by fear. Of course, some fears subsided as I got older, but others have taken their place. I want NOT to allow fear to be in the driver's seat anymore. What I seek is balance. I don't want to be reckless and cavalier. Nor do I wish to live in terror of shadows, thoughts, and illusions.
To be mindful and discerning would be best, I think. None of this crazy, nameless anxiety and desperate cowardice. I want to move through my life free of the shackles of relentless dread and dark trepidation. Bruce Lee said, "Assume pliable awareness." I like that. Be alert and aware, rather than frozen. Meditation would help me with that. Gratitude helps too, I believe. Not to be dominated by fear. What a concept...

THE DIRECTION OF SOCIETY

I have a hard time with the direction in which our society seems to be headed now. People seem so angry and defensive. Many people seem to believe it is their RIGHT to be mean and rude to folks they don't even know. I don't get it. When did it become cool to be hateful?

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

I have been sick today, so I really don't have anything to write at the moment. I have been having a rough time the past several days, but I hope to be back on track tomorrow. I've decided I will probably start taking antidepressants very soon. I need more than just good intentions to pull out of this downward spiral. Tonight, I'm grateful for a soothing, steady rainfall. It's lovely and peaceful.....and refreshing. I need some hope. I believe I will find it before long....or perhaps.... hope will find ME.

BACK TO UNDERGRAD

Really exhausted again tonight after a rough night last night and a long day jumping through hoops. I've been trying to get health care (physical and mental), as well as get enrolled in classes for fall. I just got admitted for a second Bachelor's degree. I plan to study philosophy. So many obstacles to clear before I can actually go. It's very tiring, but at least I got in. YAY!!!

I'M OK

In Barbara De Angelis' book, Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know, she says, "The only thing wrong with you is that you don't understand that there is nothing wrong with you, that there is nothing essential missing."

On the same page (19), she also says, "Who you really are inside doesn't need any improvement- it just needs to be recognized and understood."

That's pretty profound, the idea that I'm really OK the way I am, with all my faults and weaknesses.
It makes sense to me that if the person I truly am is understood, I will be a better person automatically. I can remember times and settings in my life in which I was accepted, understood, and liked....even valued. I belonged. I was wanted. In those situations, I flourished. I became more polite, more compassionate, and more responsible. I felt like a better person, so I acted like one. This love and acceptance is pretty potent stuff! Imagine what the world could be like if we ALL got a big dose of it! Imagine!

BLISS

I was thinking some more about my post a few days ago. The one about things that move me and touch on my deepest desires. I thought about times when many of the elements I mentioned were brought together at one time. Memories of singing around a campfire under a starry sky, feeling close to the people around me.....just the thought of it moves me very deeply. Looking back, I think it was the feeling of belonging, of shared values, of connecting with nature, and the sharing of music that combined into a magic formula for bliss. How I long to experience that again, not just once, but many times. Oh, the feeling those times stirred in me was better than anything else in the world. Resonance, shared beauty, closeness. Pure joy. The energy of love was strong in those moments. THAT is what I long for most of all in my heart of hearts.

AROUND THE CAMPFIRE

In Charlotte Kasl's book If the Buddha Got Stuck, she asks, "What calls you, stirs you to excitement, and touches on your life's desires?"
I've been thinking about that and here's what I've come up with so far.....
Singing and working on music with others who love it is probably one of the most deeply moving and fulfilling things I can think of. Listening to music is almost as good, especially if the listening is shared by others who love music as much as I do. Long conversations about deep, meaningful things is second on my list. The rest is in no particular order. Beautiful sunsets. Campfires. Starlight. Moonlight. Candlelight. Connecting with animals. Gorgeous gardens full of riotous color. Early morning tea shared outdoors in a quiet place. Combinations of the above. I will think some more and add to the list tomorrow.

GOOD SEEDS

Thich Nhat Hanh says that people need to have faith that there is good within them. He emphasizes the importance of meditation in helping us get in touch with these "good seeds" inside. In fact, he has much to say in all of his books about the many benefits of meditation; physical, mental, and spiritual, not to mention in our relationships with others. I have put off the practice of meditation long enough. For the good of myself and everyone I encounter, I need to start.
It occurred to me that being in fair physical shape would facilitate better focus during meditation. I will have to go very slowly, but I need to begin to make my body stronger. Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue have left me with no stamina. I need to remedy that in order to be able to better help others.

ELEGANT GATHERING OF WHITE SNOWS

Yes..I've decided to use numerals instead of typing out all the numbers in words.
I've had quite a few setbacks today. Right now, as wimpy as it sounds, I'm just going to read a book to escape for awhile. I'm reading The Elegant Gathering of White Snows by Kris Radish. It's quite an inspiring and uplifting read, especially for women. Do read it if you get the chance.

DOOMSDAY

Today, my sister and I were discussing the whole "doomsday" thing that has so many people (including my mother) stockpiling food and supplies against some allegedly impending catastrophe. Finally, my sister said she wanted to change the subject because she found it all rather sickening. I, too, find it sickening. I already have more than enough anxiety without having constant thoughts about "the end of the world as we know it" or "the shit hitting the fan". While it is not a bad idea to have extra food and other emergency items, I refuse to center my life around doom and calamity. Rather than maintaining a desperate focus on survival or living in dread, it is my heart's desire to make this world a better place, one person at a time.

DISCOURAGEMENT AND GRATITUDE

My out of town trip this past weekend was more exhausting than I thought it would be. I guess I expected to have made amazing discoveries and uncovered deep spiritual insights by now. The truth is, I feel pretty discouarged these days. The loss of three fur babies in a month, plus a number of other "bumps in the road" have brought me down and my anxiety level is rather ridiculous at times. I seem to be worried about so many things nowadays, in spite of fact that I KNOW worry is wasted energy. I want to stop worrying and being scared all the time. I want to know in my heart that things really will be OK, that I will be OK too.  I hope that I will soon be able to write about wonderful insights and inspiring breakthroughs. For right now, I'm just trying to remind myself off and on throughout the day what I'm grateful for, the people I love, as well as the people who pass through my life long enough to touch me with their compassion and kindness. I remind myself of all that I have that many people do not. It helps. Even for this practice of gratitude, I have my sister to thank. I intend to start working more diligently at finding ways to calm my anxiety and lift my spirits. I will share what I learn as I go along. Thanks to anyone out there who might follow my journey and find something useful in it.

RESONANCE

I'm at my sister's house tonight. We've been visiting all day, discussing ways we could make a difference in the world. I think there's nothing so uplifting as resonance.

3 IN A MONTH

Had to have my cat put down today. That makes 3 in a month. I was too consumed with PTSD today to do any soul work. I will try again tomorrow.

WALLS

Barbara De Angelis said that cynics are disillusioned believers who are disappointed in people and life. That's me. Yes, I'm a cynic. But like most cynics I've come to know, I'm VERY soft under my hard shell. Many people have accused me of being thoughtless, insensitive, and "tough". Those were folks who didn't really know me. I actually care VERY deeply. I feel things VERY deeply. I always have. People who are ultra-sensitive often give the outward appearance of being hard and tough. That's not what's truly going on with us. Underneath all that armor, we have raw wounds that can't bear being touched or bumped. After feeling things so keenly for so long, we build walls to buffer some of the battering rams of life. If we don't, the pain can be so great that we find ourselves unable to function. It's a real dilemma. If we feel everything on a deep level, we eventually wind up cowering in a corner, immobilized by fear. But the walls we build not only protect us from too much pain, they keep love and joy out as well. The fortresses we construct so high and thick, become our prisons. Prisons to which we can no longer find the doors. I need to find some balance in all this frenzied madness. Meanwhile, I will hold on with what strength I can find within these fortress walls. I will find a way out. I will.

SHUT DOWN

I've been pretty upset and anxious today due to the recent developments with my cat (see Day Two) and all the stuff that came before it in July (see A Little Background). I started thinking about how I was doing before all this started. If I look back at early July, I can remember how content I was in my daily routines. Those of us with ADD and PTSD tend to derive comfort from our routines. They help us feel safe in a cold and hostile world. When things are suddenly turned upside down, I find it very difficult to right myself. I'm feeling terribly anxious at the moment, as though I've been blindfolded, taken to the middle of nowhere, and left all alone. After removing the blindfold, I have no idea where I am. Nothing is familiar. I can see only empty space in every direction. I'm scared. Not a very great day for spiritual growth. I know a lot about fear, about what it is, what it means, and how to handle it. Intellectually, I know these things. But In these situations, I can't seem to access that knowledge. It's like the Lamaze training I had when I was pregnant. When I was in the worst part of my very long labor, all that training went out the window. Often the only way I've been able to cope with fear and pain is to dissociate and shut down. Bad idea, I know. But right at this moment, it may be all I can do.

LIMITATIONS

So...I found out today that another of my fur babies is on her way out. They found loads of tumors in her lungs. I can't stand to say any more about it now.
I pushed myself to do some reading and thinking in spite of that stuff.
Kerr Cuhulain said, "Never mind what you might have been (or not been) in the past. It is what you want to be that counts."
What do I want to be? Hmmm...
Overall, I want to be someone who makes a difference. I want to be the kind of person who makes everyone feel good about themselves. The sort of person who leaves people feeling better after encountering me than they felt before that. I want to be someone to whom others can turn when they are having trouble and need to reach out to a person who cares. I want to exude love and compassion so that people feel comforted just by being around me.

Kerr Cuhulain also said it was a good idea to be realistic about one's limitations and try to turn them into advantages. Dan Millman said that for every strength there is a weakness and for every weakness there is a strength. It would be interesting to discover the strengths connected to my weaknesses. It would be even more interesting to see how I can turn my limitations into advantages. I will have to explore this further. Definitely. I will give this some thought and come back to it again.

FINDING MY PACK

I didn't accomplish as much today as I had hoped. I had some pressing mundane tasks to deal with. I did, however, do some reading and thinking.

In Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, the author writes about people finding their packs. The people they belong with, that is. It seems I have been trying to find my pack all my life. I'm not at all sure anymore where to even look.

In her book, Estes says it is never a mistake to look for what one needs. She also says that if a woman can't find the culture that encourages her, it is a good idea for her to construct one herself. Estes maintains that if a woman builds such a culture, others who have also been searching will show up to be part of it.
But how can I do this? Where do I start?

A Little Background

It all started several weeks ago, when I made the bold decision to quit graduate school. I had taken 3 semesters as an Elementary Ed. major. The more classes I took, the more I hated it. I felt like I was taking classes I didn’t enjoy, in order to enter a field that is currently fraught with controversy and frustration for teachers and students alike. I began the program excited about the prospect of inspiring young children and making learning an adventure for them. But the more teachers and education students I talked to, the more I saw that education had become all about test scores, with little room for anything more. I had also seen many students graduate and be unable to find work, after months of trying. So, I switched to a Recreation Management major. One semester of that was enough for me. It was even less enjoyable than Education!

During that time, all I thought about was wanting to make a difference. Being in my 50s, I felt like I needed to get going on something worthwhile, rather than wasting time in a field that held no real interest for me. After lots of soul searching and plenty of conversations with the most supportive people in my life, I decided to quit grad school and pursue a second Bachelor’s degree in Philosophy.

Prior to this path altering decision, I had had many long conversations with my sister about ways to make a difference in the world around us. We both wanted to bring joy and relieve suffering in those whose paths we crossed. Neither of us knew where to begin. After weeks of talking, things had begun to take shape. (I will share more about that later) I made the decision to quit grad school and take a semester off in order to begin a journey of self-discovery that would improve my ability to help others.

I decided that I wanted to focus on at least a few specific things. First, I wanted to tap into the great love that lives within all of us, usually buried under a whole lot of scars, armor, and facades. Next, I wanted to work through issues that had been obstacles to my reaching out to others, namely the aforementioned scars, armor, and facades. Finally, I wanted to become more emotionally balanced, through mindfulness.

Let me just say that I have other issues that affect what I’m able to do. I have fibromyalgia, 4 herniated discs, ADD, and chronic fatigue syndrome. I deal with PTSD, chronic anxiety, and depression as well. Therefore, I figured the “sabbatical” would give me time to counter several years of deconditioning caused by debilitating fatigue and pain.

So, almost a month ago, I embarked on this journey with high hopes for good changes in my life. A few days later, things began to unravel….

Let me go back to some things I wrote down the night before I began my journey:

"I flipped my Celtic Mandala calendar to July and here's what it said in big letters:

WHEREVER YOU STAND, BE THE SOUL OF THAT PLACE.

Whoa! I just stood there staring at those words and blinking. I was stunned. That seemed to sum up the whole vision of wanting to help others. THAT's what I see when I think of a core group being somewhere where lots of people are . I want people to FEEL the love, the peace, the "freshness". Not so that we will appear important and wise to them, but so they can find some of what they seek in US and perhaps we can help them tap into those things within themselves. Then maybe they can do the same for others.

I have now decided NOT to go back to grad school. It no longer seems like an option. It would just be yet another bog to get stuck in for awhile on my way out of the woods.

After I made the decision about grad school, I was lying in bed thinking, "Hahaha! I have no plan!!!" It was rather freeing, kind of like the feeling of skinny dipping in a place where you feel safe. Delicious. Different. Pretty cool."

 This is what I wrote on July 1^st:

"It seems the key lies in not giving ourselves labels of any kind. We are all capable of kindness and selfishness, mindfulness and thoughtlessness, courage and cowardice, wisdom and foolishness, etc. No one is any of that ALL the time. We are human, in all our imperfection and all our glory. That's all. What more do we need?"

 "My relief and elation has predictably turned into terror. It's like I'm freefalling and I have no idea where the rip cord is. Of course, that probably means this is exactly where I need to be. But I'm feeling something approaching panic at the moment. What the hell am I doing?"

 On July 2^nd, when met with more anxiety, I wrote, “Listening to the quiet whir of the ceiling fan and the enthusiastic singing of the birds outside. In THIS moment, I am safe. I am fed. I am in a cool place with iced tea at my side. My cat sleeps 2 feet away. I’m OK. I am safe. I AM.”

 I spent the next few days feeling bummed, tired, and anxious. I had decided that if I really wanted to realize my objectives for my journey, I would have to make some changes, but I didn’t know how.

On July 5^th, Just after I got into bed, I received a phone call from my daughter. Through a torrent of tears, she told me she had come home to find her cat had died. This was no mere pet to her. She and this beautiful cat had been dear friends and close companions from elementary school through graduation from college. The cat had been fine the day before. Now she was gone. I felt so bad for my daughter…and sad about the cat. Only a true animal lover will understand. My daughter and her significant other brought the cat to our house to be buried, because my daughter wanted her friend to be “someplace pretty”. So, we buried her next to an antique rosebush in the backyard. That event shook me up pretty good. (Bad grammar, but you know what I mean.)

The next day, I received more hard news which I am not up to sharing right now. The following day, I got some MORE crushing news. I was on a downward spiral now. My PTSD was really triggered. Following are a few excerpts from those days.

July 8^th: “I can feel myself spiraling down. For the past 3 days, it’s been difficult to move or even breathe. I can’t seem to see past the ever deepening melancholy that threatens to consume me. Deep hurt. A gutted feeling. I’ve got to pull out of this and get back on track. Sinking to the depths will be no good for me or anyone else. I feel so nauseated.”

 July 10^th: “ While there are many things I “should” be doing, I’m not going to push myself to do a bunch of stuff. That’s not what this journey is about.

 On July 13^th, one of our cats was declared to be in critical condition due to liver failure. Two days later, we buried her next to my daughter’s cat in the yard.  By that time, I had pretty much turned into a basket case.

At this point, I should mention that part of the whole PTSD thing (for me at least) is having frequent thoughts about horrible things happening. Sometimes the thoughts are concerning people I love. Other times, they are just random images of bad things happening to people. While I don’t have these thoughts constantly, I have had them crop up pretty often for almost 30 years of my life. The events of those 10 days or so had those thoughts coming along much more frequently than usual. I was suddenly freaked out by thoughts of losing people and animals that I love. I had become almost immobilized by panic and despair. All at once, all I could see was a long parade of death and loss stretched out before me. All I could think was, “More to come. More to come. More to come.” Then, from somewhere deep inside me came a “voice”. I call it the “inner teacher.” It said, “Yes, dear…more to come. Grandkids, birthdays, holidays, glorious moments of sharing and connection. More to come. You don’t want to miss it!” I was blown away by that and I calmed down a bit.

The day after we lost the one cat, another of our cats began to have severe “attacks” wherein she would gasp for air. Her breathing became labored and she frequently breathed through her mouth, having loudly. The vet said there wasn’t much to be done, what with her being 14 years old. He gave her antibiotics and steroids and we took her home. We just couldn’t face another loss so soon after the others. She eats very heartily, loves to be petted, and still leaps off the couch to greet us when we come home. Because I had a very precious cat choke to death several years ago, I became terrified of being home alone with this cat and her having a fatal attack. I can’t bear the idea of watching another fur baby die while there’s nothing I can do.

It has been 17 days since that vet visit and the cat is hanging in there. Some journey of self-discovery! Yikes! Needless to say, my journey fell by the wayside amidst all these events. Paralyzing fear and sadness got hold of me and I didn’t know how to pull out of it. Finally, I walked into a mental health center and fell apart. The woman listened to me bawl my head off for a half hour. Then she told me I couldn’t really see someone until September 7^th! Oh brother! Then I saw the doc at the university health center. She prescribed 2 antidepressants and something for anxiety. I couldn’t afford one of the meds at all. I still haven’t decided whether to start taking the other antidepressant. It’s scary to me. I will decide about that soon. In the meantime, I’ve decided that I’m going to “start over” with the personal journey tomorrow. Only this time, I will be recording the journey here. Perhaps it will help or inspire someone out there at some point. I’ve decided to do this for 49 weeks…almost a year. You are invited to join me if you like. Thanks for reading all this. Tomorrow, I will begin my journey anew.