IN THE MOMENT

Today, I've been giving some thought to how little time most of us spend in the moment we are actually in, how much of our lives we spend NOT being where we are. My guess is that the majority of us spend most of our time not being "all there." Many of us drive along eating, talking, and playing the radio, not doing any of those things with our full attention. We watch a sunset while thinking about tomorrow's work or yesterday's conversation. We allow our minds to drift to other playgrounds while in the midst of conversations with others. All of us know what that feels like.
Speaking for myself, I have discovered many times in a day when I am doing one thing, but my mind is in the past or the future. My body is in the moment, but my mind is somewhere else in time. What a waste! I spend so much time regretting the past or fearing the future that I fail to enjoy what I have and where I am RIGHT NOW! Lately, when I've caught myself "not being there", I've just thought "moment" and that brought me back to the here and now. I think I would be much more content if I could simply stay in the current moment, rather than getting sucked into a time warp in my head. I will work on that.

LIVING WITHOUT LABELS

I gave myself permission not to write in here yesterday, so what I'm writing now is actually something I have been thinking of for awhile.

In her book If the Buddha Got Stuck, Charlotte Kasl talks about dropping all adjectives from the phrase, "I am". So, rather than saying "I am stupid" or "I am brilliant" or "I am no good", she suggests we try saying only, "I AM". Isn't that awesome?
I AM.      I AM.     I AM!!!
Whenever I have tried this concept, I felt exhilarated and light. All those adjectives, good AND bad are really a burden. Who needs more heavy junk to carry around anyway? I find the whole idea very freeing. Try it and see for yourself. Next time you are tempted to say, "I am _______", drop the missing word or phrase. I am. That's enough, I think.
No one is always nice or clever or gorgeous. Neither are they always rude or insensitive or clumsy. We are ALL capable of all sorts of behaviors, both desirable and undesirable. We all have our moments. If we know that's true, then why do we need those labels? They are a bit misleading at best. I am. Oh...it's truly an uplifting thought. Try it and see. Let go of those labels for one day. I DARE you!

DOWN THE RAPIDS

According to Thich Nhat Hanh, we do not have to be swept along by circumstances. Yet, it seems that many of us live as though we are. At times, it feels like we are tumbling helplessly down the rapids, with no way of stopping ourselves from being beaten up on the rocks. We feel carried away by external events, unable to get solid footing anywhere. I would rather NOT get carried off like that. It seems to me that the key to not being swept along that way has to come from within us. Some have called it our "center".  Being centered could help keep us from losing our footing in the midst of all that goes on around us. I'm not trying to say that one should never feel angry, scared, or discouraged. But it would be nice not to feel "out of control" so much of the time.

JETTISON

I have not been doing well lately, physically or emotionally. I have to get back on track ASAP. I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed. I need to decide what to place priority on and jettison the unnecessary junk that gets in my way. That is the only way I can see to get myself going again. I can't give up. I've barely gotten started. This is MY spiritual journey, after all.

BREAKTHROUGH

I've been giving some thought to the things that block me from being able to reach out with as much love and compassion as I would like. I've come to the conclusion that it's mostly FEAR that gets in the way of my ability to love more. That fear creates a chasm that makes it very difficult to touch other people's pain and needs; a barrier through which all my best intentions are filtered. Fear that prevents me from being open enough to share the feelings of others. This is a MAJOR issue that I need to work on. I want to transform my fear into compassion, for myself and others. Here then, is a breakthrough on my journey. I will give this some more thought.

PURSUING A DREAM

I have decided to finally pursue a dream that I've had for years. I'm going to become an ordained minister. My beliefs are ecumenical, therefore I have chosen a church with compatible beliefs. I feel really good about actually taking steps in this direction after having thought about it for so long. I believe in my ability to speak and sing in front of groups. I will have more ways to reach out and help others from many different religions and traditions. Although I have come to it rather late in life, I think it will be fulfilling. If I can help a few people find meaning in their lives or show them compassion, I will have succeeded in making this dream a reality.

BEYOND FEAR

I believe it was Kerr Cuhulain who said, "Only fools do not fear." I agree. To go through life completely heedless, believing oneself to be invincible is foolhardy indeed. However, being consumed and immobilized by fear is no way to live either.
Chogyam Trungpa said, "True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear, but going beyond fear."
BEYOND fear. It would seem that, in order to move beyond fear, one must either go through it or around it to get to the other side. I guess the choice depends upon the nature of the fear.
 I have lived a significant part of my life ruled by fear. Of course, some fears subsided as I got older, but others have taken their place. I want NOT to allow fear to be in the driver's seat anymore. What I seek is balance. I don't want to be reckless and cavalier. Nor do I wish to live in terror of shadows, thoughts, and illusions.
To be mindful and discerning would be best, I think. None of this crazy, nameless anxiety and desperate cowardice. I want to move through my life free of the shackles of relentless dread and dark trepidation. Bruce Lee said, "Assume pliable awareness." I like that. Be alert and aware, rather than frozen. Meditation would help me with that. Gratitude helps too, I believe. Not to be dominated by fear. What a concept...

THE DIRECTION OF SOCIETY

I have a hard time with the direction in which our society seems to be headed now. People seem so angry and defensive. Many people seem to believe it is their RIGHT to be mean and rude to folks they don't even know. I don't get it. When did it become cool to be hateful?

ANTIDEPRESSANTS

I have been sick today, so I really don't have anything to write at the moment. I have been having a rough time the past several days, but I hope to be back on track tomorrow. I've decided I will probably start taking antidepressants very soon. I need more than just good intentions to pull out of this downward spiral. Tonight, I'm grateful for a soothing, steady rainfall. It's lovely and peaceful.....and refreshing. I need some hope. I believe I will find it before long....or perhaps.... hope will find ME.

BACK TO UNDERGRAD

Really exhausted again tonight after a rough night last night and a long day jumping through hoops. I've been trying to get health care (physical and mental), as well as get enrolled in classes for fall. I just got admitted for a second Bachelor's degree. I plan to study philosophy. So many obstacles to clear before I can actually go. It's very tiring, but at least I got in. YAY!!!

I'M OK

In Barbara De Angelis' book, Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know, she says, "The only thing wrong with you is that you don't understand that there is nothing wrong with you, that there is nothing essential missing."

On the same page (19), she also says, "Who you really are inside doesn't need any improvement- it just needs to be recognized and understood."

That's pretty profound, the idea that I'm really OK the way I am, with all my faults and weaknesses.
It makes sense to me that if the person I truly am is understood, I will be a better person automatically. I can remember times and settings in my life in which I was accepted, understood, and liked....even valued. I belonged. I was wanted. In those situations, I flourished. I became more polite, more compassionate, and more responsible. I felt like a better person, so I acted like one. This love and acceptance is pretty potent stuff! Imagine what the world could be like if we ALL got a big dose of it! Imagine!

BLISS

I was thinking some more about my post a few days ago. The one about things that move me and touch on my deepest desires. I thought about times when many of the elements I mentioned were brought together at one time. Memories of singing around a campfire under a starry sky, feeling close to the people around me.....just the thought of it moves me very deeply. Looking back, I think it was the feeling of belonging, of shared values, of connecting with nature, and the sharing of music that combined into a magic formula for bliss. How I long to experience that again, not just once, but many times. Oh, the feeling those times stirred in me was better than anything else in the world. Resonance, shared beauty, closeness. Pure joy. The energy of love was strong in those moments. THAT is what I long for most of all in my heart of hearts.

AROUND THE CAMPFIRE

In Charlotte Kasl's book If the Buddha Got Stuck, she asks, "What calls you, stirs you to excitement, and touches on your life's desires?"
I've been thinking about that and here's what I've come up with so far.....
Singing and working on music with others who love it is probably one of the most deeply moving and fulfilling things I can think of. Listening to music is almost as good, especially if the listening is shared by others who love music as much as I do. Long conversations about deep, meaningful things is second on my list. The rest is in no particular order. Beautiful sunsets. Campfires. Starlight. Moonlight. Candlelight. Connecting with animals. Gorgeous gardens full of riotous color. Early morning tea shared outdoors in a quiet place. Combinations of the above. I will think some more and add to the list tomorrow.

GOOD SEEDS

Thich Nhat Hanh says that people need to have faith that there is good within them. He emphasizes the importance of meditation in helping us get in touch with these "good seeds" inside. In fact, he has much to say in all of his books about the many benefits of meditation; physical, mental, and spiritual, not to mention in our relationships with others. I have put off the practice of meditation long enough. For the good of myself and everyone I encounter, I need to start.
It occurred to me that being in fair physical shape would facilitate better focus during meditation. I will have to go very slowly, but I need to begin to make my body stronger. Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue have left me with no stamina. I need to remedy that in order to be able to better help others.

ELEGANT GATHERING OF WHITE SNOWS

Yes..I've decided to use numerals instead of typing out all the numbers in words.
I've had quite a few setbacks today. Right now, as wimpy as it sounds, I'm just going to read a book to escape for awhile. I'm reading The Elegant Gathering of White Snows by Kris Radish. It's quite an inspiring and uplifting read, especially for women. Do read it if you get the chance.

DOOMSDAY

Today, my sister and I were discussing the whole "doomsday" thing that has so many people (including my mother) stockpiling food and supplies against some allegedly impending catastrophe. Finally, my sister said she wanted to change the subject because she found it all rather sickening. I, too, find it sickening. I already have more than enough anxiety without having constant thoughts about "the end of the world as we know it" or "the shit hitting the fan". While it is not a bad idea to have extra food and other emergency items, I refuse to center my life around doom and calamity. Rather than maintaining a desperate focus on survival or living in dread, it is my heart's desire to make this world a better place, one person at a time.

DISCOURAGEMENT AND GRATITUDE

My out of town trip this past weekend was more exhausting than I thought it would be. I guess I expected to have made amazing discoveries and uncovered deep spiritual insights by now. The truth is, I feel pretty discouarged these days. The loss of three fur babies in a month, plus a number of other "bumps in the road" have brought me down and my anxiety level is rather ridiculous at times. I seem to be worried about so many things nowadays, in spite of fact that I KNOW worry is wasted energy. I want to stop worrying and being scared all the time. I want to know in my heart that things really will be OK, that I will be OK too.  I hope that I will soon be able to write about wonderful insights and inspiring breakthroughs. For right now, I'm just trying to remind myself off and on throughout the day what I'm grateful for, the people I love, as well as the people who pass through my life long enough to touch me with their compassion and kindness. I remind myself of all that I have that many people do not. It helps. Even for this practice of gratitude, I have my sister to thank. I intend to start working more diligently at finding ways to calm my anxiety and lift my spirits. I will share what I learn as I go along. Thanks to anyone out there who might follow my journey and find something useful in it.

RESONANCE

I'm at my sister's house tonight. We've been visiting all day, discussing ways we could make a difference in the world. I think there's nothing so uplifting as resonance.

3 IN A MONTH

Had to have my cat put down today. That makes 3 in a month. I was too consumed with PTSD today to do any soul work. I will try again tomorrow.

WALLS

Barbara De Angelis said that cynics are disillusioned believers who are disappointed in people and life. That's me. Yes, I'm a cynic. But like most cynics I've come to know, I'm VERY soft under my hard shell. Many people have accused me of being thoughtless, insensitive, and "tough". Those were folks who didn't really know me. I actually care VERY deeply. I feel things VERY deeply. I always have. People who are ultra-sensitive often give the outward appearance of being hard and tough. That's not what's truly going on with us. Underneath all that armor, we have raw wounds that can't bear being touched or bumped. After feeling things so keenly for so long, we build walls to buffer some of the battering rams of life. If we don't, the pain can be so great that we find ourselves unable to function. It's a real dilemma. If we feel everything on a deep level, we eventually wind up cowering in a corner, immobilized by fear. But the walls we build not only protect us from too much pain, they keep love and joy out as well. The fortresses we construct so high and thick, become our prisons. Prisons to which we can no longer find the doors. I need to find some balance in all this frenzied madness. Meanwhile, I will hold on with what strength I can find within these fortress walls. I will find a way out. I will.

SHUT DOWN

I've been pretty upset and anxious today due to the recent developments with my cat (see Day Two) and all the stuff that came before it in July (see A Little Background). I started thinking about how I was doing before all this started. If I look back at early July, I can remember how content I was in my daily routines. Those of us with ADD and PTSD tend to derive comfort from our routines. They help us feel safe in a cold and hostile world. When things are suddenly turned upside down, I find it very difficult to right myself. I'm feeling terribly anxious at the moment, as though I've been blindfolded, taken to the middle of nowhere, and left all alone. After removing the blindfold, I have no idea where I am. Nothing is familiar. I can see only empty space in every direction. I'm scared. Not a very great day for spiritual growth. I know a lot about fear, about what it is, what it means, and how to handle it. Intellectually, I know these things. But In these situations, I can't seem to access that knowledge. It's like the Lamaze training I had when I was pregnant. When I was in the worst part of my very long labor, all that training went out the window. Often the only way I've been able to cope with fear and pain is to dissociate and shut down. Bad idea, I know. But right at this moment, it may be all I can do.