LOVE IS THE ANSWER

Barbara DeAngelis said, "Whatever the question, love is the answer." That sounds pretty good to me. I've been thinking about some of the questions I have asked since the start of this journey. I'm going to be looking at some of those and seeing if I can apply love to them and get an answer.
I talked about finding my pack and I asked, "How can I do this?" and "Where do I start?"
In a way, I think I have already made a start by writing this blog. Hopefully some of what I write will resonate with others. In that case we will have found each other through my writing. However, I don't want to leave LOVE out of the equation. If I can learn to really love who I am, in spite of all my flaws, I think that will help. Then, I will be better at tapping into that "great love" inside and I can reach out to others more effectively. So, I guess I can START to find my pack by learning to love ME ( I know. Bad grammar!) Once I get better at tapping into that great love, resonant souls will find me. There. That's an answer. There are several other questions I want to examine in this way. This is all I can do for now though. More later.

TIME MACHINE

I have not yet learned how to stay in the moment. I realize it's going to take practice. It is nearly impossible for ADDers to STAY in the moment, unless we are totally engaged by what's going on at the time. In other words, I'm super focused on that which interests, excites, or fascinates me. I can work for days on end doing something I feel deeply involved in. However, if whatever is happening in the moment doesn't interest me, if I don't consider it enjoyable or important, my mind retreats to other playgrounds.
Actually, if I'm to be honest, I have to say that where my mind goes isn't always a "playground", or more precisely, an escape. In fact, it usually isn't a retreat that my mind wanders off to. More often, my mind travels away to the land of Regret and Shame (past) or the land of Fear and Dread (future). My brain meanders through the tangled mazes of "what if" and "if only" or gets lost in the misty swamps of discontent.
I realize it's all about being in the present moment, but I often find the moment unpleasant or uninteresting. While I don't exactly spend my days wallowing in ennui, there are times when I feel less than captivated by what's happening in the here and now. That is when I employ "escapes". But most of the time it is the seductive pull of rumination (future) and lamentation (past) that encourages my frequent forays into the land of limbo....the world between worlds. The place that is uninhabitable because it doesn't exist in the NOW. In reality, it doesn't exist AT ALL. The past is no longer here and the future hasn't arrived yet. All we really have is, as Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes put it, is "here and now". I just need to figure out how to be there.

JUST A DAY

It was a stressful day for me. I'm trying to plow my way through several lengthy and esoteric readings for my philosophy class. I'm way behind and the teacher keeps piling more on. Anyone with ADD knows how difficult it is for us to read long, boring books and articles.
I took the increased dose of antidepressant today. I really hope this stuff helps soon.

AUTUMN FEAST

I spent the day preparing for my sister, my daughter and her boyfriend to come for dinner. I decorated the house with autumn leaf garlands, fresh flowers, and candles. I made green chile stew, pumpkin soup, cheddar cornbread, and a pumpkin orange cake. The cornbread turned out awful for some reason, but the rest was pretty good. It was a pleasant visit, if rather short.
I finished painting a statue of St. Francis for the backyard. I'm grateful for having finished that and for this day with people I love. Tomorrow, I have to hit the books, because I'm so far behind in my reading for my philosophy class. The readings are long and tedious, but there's nothing for it.
I was so busy today that I forgot all about my one minute meditation. Now it's late and I hurt all over. Oh well, I can try for tomorrow.

PUSHING BEYOND INERTIA

I have pushed hard all day to get things done at home. I spent the day fighting against the inertia which depression spawns. I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING today. I felt lousy; emotionally, physically, and mentally. Right now, my head feels like it will soon explode. I have to find some way to DE-stress, to let go of some of the heavy burden I seem to be dragging around. I need to relax and just BE, without all the mental chatter and emotional tension. I should have stuck to my original plan to take a semester off. Instead, I chose to enroll in classes, thinking it would be better to get out and take part in something engaging. So far, the classes have been more stressful than engaging. Rather boring too. I probably just need to rethink things a bit.....AFTER I relax.

BREATHING

I have had increasingly severe breathing problems over the past few weeks. It has become rather alarming. Today was the worst. I almost went to the ER. I'm just trying to hold out until my doctor's appointment the day after tomorrow.

CHRONIC FATIGUE

Several days ago, I decided to narrow my focus to three main things; taking steps to get my body into better shape, focusing on the here and now, and thinking more about the things in my life for which I am grateful. Well....today I fell quite short of those goals. Instead, I felt sort of crazy and restless, like EVERYTHING required a great deal of effort on my part. For weeks, I have been PUSHING myself to just do the simple tasks that I NEED to do in order to get from day to day.
I take care of things like showering, dressing, and basic hygiene, meals, laundry, dishes, and other surface cleaning. I haven't managed to do much beyond that. Even the little I do seems to take a tremendous amount of my limited energy. At the moment, I'm VERY weary of pushing so hard with so little to show for it. It's like I'm trying to shove a boulder from one place to another....uphill.  After hours of straining and gritting my teeth, I manage to move it a fraction of an inch.
 I've GOT to break free of this oppressive weight before it crushes me! In 3 days, I will be seeing the doctor and I plan to ask her to increase the dosage on my antidepressant. I have alerted both my professors about the difficulties I've been experiencing lately. Hopefully, they will be compassionate. Things will get better soon. They have to.

VICTIM/VOLUNTEER

It was another day of struggling for me. These days, I have to really push myself to do even the most basic things, like laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, and cooking. I haven't felt motivated to do much else.
Lately, I have been thinking about just how far back my depression goes. I recall a 7th grade classmate saying that I always looked sad. Looking back, I can see that I WAS sad most of the time from that age on. But I think the sadness goes back to a much earlier time. In reality, I was probably depressed before I even started school. By the time I was in 2nd grade, I felt that I was an outcast, that I didn't belong anywhere. I spent decades of my life drifting from place to place, searching for acceptance and love. In doing so, I unwittingly placed my heart into the hands of those who were derisive, hateful, domineering, and neglectful. After each foray into new social territory, I was invariably left shattered, convinced that I did not have a place in this world. In my youth, I entrusted myself to those who claimed authority over me. Later, I fell into a series of abusive and unfulfilling relationships. No matter what happened, I always wound up feeling unacceptable. I learned to expect rejection and abandonment. Now, I'm not claiming to be a victim. As Christine Lavin puts it, I was usually a volunteer. Maybe not as a young child, but certainly from my late teens on. I always meant well and gave everything I had, but it never seemed to be good enough in any given situation.
I have known others who have had experiences like mine or much worse. I do not find them unacceptable. Why, then, can I not view myself with the same love and compassion that I have been willing to give all those people who were so mean and cruel? Somehow, I have to find a way to do just that.

LIMBO

Today, I found myself deep in the land of "If Only". I tried to snap out of it by thinking, "moment", like I have been doing. But my thoughts kept pulling me back. Back to regret. Back to pointless longing. Clearly, the past isn't a place to live. I can't go back in time, neither can I be in the here and now when my mind is busy looking to the past. I am in "No Man's Land", neither here nor there. Some call this place "limbo".  My sister says that when one is in limbo, he or she is not living in the present moment. That is true enough. I realize that I have frittered away a significant portion of my adult life WAITING for something to happen. Waiting for relationships, finances, relocations. Waiting for OTHER people to take action. I put my life on hold waiting for "something" to happen. Once the elusive "something" took place, then my life could begin for real...or so I thought. Now, as I look over my past, it dawns on me that I was STUCK in limbo all those times. I was so busy waiting for my life to start, that I wasted a great deal of time NOT living at all! Lo and behold, LIFE went on without me while I lingered in a world of mindless yearning and ongoing discontent.
It is time for me to be grateful for the things I have NOW, right this minute, to stop waiting for something or someone outside of me to give me permission to begin living. One of my dear friends calls it, "waiting for Godot". Well, Godot may never arrive, so I need to get up and make my way in the world. I can start RIGHT NOW.

ABYSS

Today was an especially difficult day. I felt abysmally depressed, bordering on totally hopeless. My anxiety level was REALLY high. And the terrible thoughts were so frequent and intense that I couldn't keep them at bay.

COMPASSION FOR SUFFERING

I was able to see a counselor today. It comforts me a little to know I can see someone regularly before too long. I also plan to be part of an anxiety support group.
Today, I was feeding a stray cat that adopted us and our backyard a couple of years ago. He has had bad experiences with people and other cats, so he's easily frightened. Still, he trusts us enough to come close for food. As I sat there watching him, I started contemplating WHY people derive pleasure from scaring defenseless animals. How CAN they? Why do people enjoy making others suffer? My answer is that, deep down, they hate themselves. They are themselves victims of cruel treatment, derision, scorn, rejection, and abandonment. Thich Nhat Hanh says that when someone is causing you to suffer, THEY are also suffering very much. A good friend of mine told me that whenever someone was mean to her, she wondered who had done that to them. It's a hard thing to think of when people are unkind.
There's so much suffering in the world. I want to alleviate at least some of it.

I am still trying hard to stay in the moment. When I catch myself "reliving" bad memories or feeling scared of the future, I have usually been able to bring myself into the present by thinking, "moment". That brings me back to the here and now. I can't say I'm good at it yet, but I'm working on it.

A LITTLE HOPE, PLEASE

I began this day feeling pretty good, physically and emotionally. By mid-afternoon, however, I was in pain again and feeling sad and overwhelmed. I did work at staying in the moment and being grateful. I did fairly well at it until I started feeling bad. Oh well. It's a work in progress, I suppose. I guess that's how it goes when one is unaccustomed to being fully present. I'm sure I will improve with practice. I get to see a counselor tomorrow. Good. I could use some hope.

ADD AND THE PRESENT MOMENT

I got plenty of exercise today on campus. My classes are far apart and I walk briskly, so exercise is built in to my day whenever I have class. I thought a lot today about the things I'm grateful for. Staying in the moment presents a somewhat greater challenge, particularly with attention deficit disorder. However, I AM working on it and I expect to get better as I practice. I'm especially working at pulling my mind into the present when anxiety producing thoughts arise. I have a counseling appointment the day after tomorrow. My doctor's appointment got moved to next week.

NARROW FOCUS

I've decided that it would be a good idea to narrow my focus for right now. So...for the next several weeks, I'm going to focus on getting my body in better shape, living in the present moment, and being more aware of what I have to be thankful for. I think those things all relate to mindfulness, balance, and self-love. Yesterday, I said I intended to start loving myself as I am. I think caring for myself and staying in the moment are a few ways I can do that. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to see a counselor about some issues that I need help with. I will let you know how that turns out.

INNER DEMONS

Are we all merely products of our pasts? Are we nothing more than the sum of our experiences? Is it only the events and people in our lives that make us who we are? Can a person TRULY change at will or is she/he destined to be forever altered by every bend in the road?
I have spent a significant portion of my adult life trying to change myself, to rid myself of inner demons, old wounds, and vexatious behaviors that interfere with my relationships. Now I'm going to try something else. I'm going to love and accept myself in spite of my shortcomings. I think the only hope I have of changing for the better lies in totally embracing who I am right this moment. How can I become a more loving and compassionate person unless I can truly accept the person that is really ME? So there.... I finally had a flash of insight.
Rumi said, "Wherever you stand, be the soul of that place." Oh...THAT, in a nutshell, is what I long for in this life. To find that great and deep love within me, then open the tap for others who are searching for that love; for wounded souls who have lost their bearings in the fog of confusion produced by our society; for ravaged and broken spirits in need of comfort and tenderness. If I am to be THAT person, I must begin by knowing, accepting, and LOVING the person I am now.
After all, isn't that part of what this journey is about?

TREADING WATER

Here I am nearly 7 weeks into my "journey" and I feel like I have mostly been just treading water, so to speak. I don't feel as though I have been moving forward. In fact, I feel like I haven't moved AT ALL. Physical pain and debilitating depression and anxiety have played a huge part in that. It's like being in one of those dreams where I run as hard as I can, but I still don't get anywhere. But....I'm formulating a plan to get moving. To begin with, I have been taking antidepressants for over a week. I plan to see a counselor first thing next week. I will be seeing the doctor a few days later. I have an appointment with a chiropractor next week too. Little by little, I'm going to get my body feeling better, so I can begin to focus more on the things that matter to me. Feeling lousy doesn't exactly enhance one's ability to do good in the world. I may continue this journey longer than I originally planned. It's time to stop floundering. I have to MOVE somehow, past the pain, past the fear, past the despair. It may take more time than I would like, but at least I will be making some progress in the direction of my objectives. I will write more tomorrow. For now, I have to give my back a rest.

NOSTALGIA

Someone once said that nostalgia is a seductive liar. Sometimes I think that's true. Everyone has memories that, in retrospect, are more wonderful than the actual events they portray. Memories are a beautiful and important part of life. Lately, however, my lovely memories have been accompanied by a deep longing for days gone by. Perhaps this is normal when one is over 50. I look back on parts of my first 40 years with a yearning tinged with sadness. There were times in the past when I felt alive with passion and exhilarated by a connection with the world as a whole. I long to recapture those feelings of hopeful expectation I used to experience in my younger days. I wonder if I can. I intend to find out.

GUILT/SHAME~ WHAT A CROCK!

Someone once said that living with bitterness is like eating the peel and leaving the orange. One could say that living with regret is the same. We all make mistakes. Some are tiny and trivial. Others are catastrophic. Sometimes, if we're paying attention, we learn valuable things from those mistakes. But staying stuck in them isn't helpful to anyone. Living our lives from a place of deep remorse, guilt, shame, and self-deprecation helps NO ONE, improves NOTHING. Now, I've done my share of "eating the peel." In fact, I've been know to live on a steady diet of "peel" for very long periods of my life. Many people have.
I think the reason we live that way is because we feel, deep down, our errors and failings are so great that we do not deserve the "orange". On some level, we believe our actions are unforgivable. Thus, "eating the peel" is a form of perpetual penance we must live out in order to "pay" for our screw ups. It is a sort of psychic purgatory that we dwell in, waiting for someone somewhere to give us absolution. The reality is, the majority of these offences are such that the "victims" of our mistakes are either unable or unwilling to forgive us. It is up to us then, to forgive ourselves. WE are the only ones who can truly absolve ourselves and free ourselves from the self-made penalty box we have banished ourselves to.
In "Homecoming", starring Anne Bancroft, the Tillerman kids are trying to decide what to do after their mother abandons them. They are on a road trip with their mom when she leaves them in the car at a mall, far from their hometown. Dicey, the eldest girl, says, "We can't go back, but we gotta go somewhere." That about sums it up for all of us. We CAN'T go back, but we DO have to keep moving forward, in spite of mistakes we have made and the regret we feel when we think of them. I'm with Dicey. I know I can't go back and change things. All I can do is pick a direction and move. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I've had more than enough orange peel, thanks. I want some of the sweet, juicy FRUIT! How about you?

STIRRED UP

About a week ago, I became aware of anger building up in me. I haven't experienced anything like that in quite a long time. Lately though, I've been having explosions of rage over little things. I've had several days in which many things went wrong, when it felt as though my world was falling apart around me. Like a thread from my life was being pulled and it was unraveling a bit at a time. It was a feeling like someone might have if they were shut up in a hot room filled with cats in heat, clouds of flies and mosquitoes, irritating and repetitive noises going, had nothing to eat or drink all day or night, and were wearing horribly uncomfortable clothing. I just felt surrounded....closed in. Every little annoyance or mishap seemed to be greatly amplified. I have been aware of all this for days, yet have been unable to figure out where it's all coming from. What's underneath it all? What's the foundation? I have no answer yet, but I will.
Started 2 antidepressants today. I hope they help.