FOOD FOR THE SOUL

I overdid things again today when the boy came over to help. The garden is starting to look better though. So is the storage shed. Now, I will have 3 days off in a row to paint and do other "food for the soul" things while my back recovers from these past 2 days. I expect to have more interesting things to write about the rest of this week. Tonight, I'm going to rest and think about what I want to do tomorrow.

MEANING AND PURPOSE

Barbara De Angelis said that what allows us, as human beings, to psychologically survive life on earth, with all of its pain, drama, and challenges, is a sense of purpose and meaning. She defines purpose as a reason to exist, having something to do that matters. She defines meaning as deriving fulfillment and joy from living, that living your purpose is worth it.
THAT is precisely what I seek.....exactly what I need.
Barbara goes on to say that when your life lacks these elements, you are alive, but not really living. PURPOSE and MEANING. That, in a nutshell is what this journey is truly about. The bottom line. A few ideas are beginning to dawn on me as to how to go about this. I will share more as it becomes a little clearer to me.

REARRANGED PRIORITIES

I've decided to stop giving daily household tasks top priority all the time. I'm going to start giving top billing to meditation, writing, music, Tai Chi, and daily reading. After that, I will rotate priorities every day. One day, I will put creative projects at the top of the list. The next, Organizing and gardening will take a front seat. The following day, everyday household maintenance will come first. Each day, once I have spent what feels like a reasonable amount of time on that day's first priority, I will then devote some time to the things that are lower on the list. Some days the house might be a mess or we'll have to order pizza or take-out, but I will at least have time for what REALLY matters to me. Rather than using my limited energy only for what "should" be done, I can use it for more of the things that provide joy and self-expression. That seems like a more balanced approach to living, however unconventional it may be.

FULFILLMENT

I gave myself the day off from posting and tried to get some things done at home. I finally realized that all I usually manage to do is maintenance stuff. I work hard to do the dishes, laundry, cooking, shopping, putting things away, routine cleaning, ironing, and other such mundane tasks. Often, that is ALL I accomplish in a day. I tell myself I will get to other things once I have completed the everyday household tasks. I tell myself that AFTER these things are done, IF they are done, I will have earned some time to do things that I WANT to do or things I NEED to do in order to be happy and peaceful.
When all I can manage are the tasks that get repeated from day to day, I don't have any time to meditate, read, write, work on music, paint, do Tai Chi, organize the house, clean up the garden, keep up correspondence with people I care about, or any of a long list of things that would give me some degree of fulfillment. Wow! That really needs to change. I need to find a way to have time and energy for the things that are truly important to me WITHOUT totally neglecting the everyday things that require my attention.

HODGEPODGE

The fatigue, weakess, and vertigo sort of won the day once again today. I had my third and final session with the counselor at school. Because I'm withdrawing from school, I will no longer be eligible for counseling there. But the counselor tried to inform me of as many resources as possible. It was a good talk. I spoke to her about this journey of mine. One of the things she said was that I had spent many years packing for the journey, but had never really TAKEN it. That really resonated with me. I really NEED to do something. Something bold and daring. Something unusual. I have no idea what that might be. I guess I'll know it when I see it.
In the meantime, I have to get to the bottom of these scary and debilitating symptoms. If I have to see a neurologist, get a CT scan or an MRI, I guess I will find a way to do it. It frustrates me that now that I have quit school and have TIME to do things, I feel physically incapacitated. I have to get better somehow. That's all. There's too much left for me to do in this life, too much I WANT to do. I feel like giving up, but I can't do that. I refuse to.

TUNING OUT

I've been thinking about what I wrote yesterday and I think I've figured something out. One of the reasons ADDers have such a hard time staying in the moment is that many of us spend a great deal of our time tuning things out. For a lot of us, it is necessary to block out at least SOME of the stuff we see, hear, smell, and feel if we want to preserve our sanity. Never mind the thousands of racing thoughts. THAT's a whole other subject. The fact is that people who are super sensitive, are frequently prone to sensory overload. If we can't block out some of what our senses are picking up, we can easily be driven over the edge like a leaf going over Niagra Falls. It is rather tricky to actually stay in the moment when one is having to ESCAPE from things that are taking place in the present. Each of us has his or her own methods for tuning things out, none of which are conducive to being fully present. I guess I will need to examine this more deeply in order to gain some insight into this puzzling matter.

SENSORY OVERLOAD

Today, as one of my cats was being her usual loud and demanding self, I found myself feeling overwhelmed by the noise and by being followed from room to room, unable to find peace. Even if I pick her up and pet her for awhile, the instant I put her back down, the constant yowling and following starts all over again, as though I had never picked her up at all. In the midst of this feeling of being surrounded by chaos, I beacme aware that I have spent MUCH of my life feeling overwhelmed by things. Sounds, repetitive motion, smells, extreme temperatures, scratchy clothing, flies and mosquitoes, dripping sweat, nagging responsibilities, demands from within and without, have always conspired to drive me insane.....or so it has appeared.
 Loud, sudden noises, faucets dripping, clocks ticking or chiming, trains passing, neighbors partying, doors banging, motorcycles roaring, dogs barking, wind howling, thunder clapping, sirens wailing, phones and ears ringing. Fans spinning, feet swinging, cats' tails swishing, wiper blades moving to and fro, lights flashing, turn signals blinking, people and cars rushing along like ants escaping a flood. Heavy perfume, cigarette smoke, exhaust fumes, cat piss, dog poo, things burning, fresh tar on the road, dirty feet, people in the grocery line smelling of old beer, urine, vomit, and body odor. Hot, sticky, sweltering, claustrophobic days and nights without so much as a hint of a breeze. Dark, damp, frigid days where the cold seeps in through cracks in doors and walls and straight into my very bones, settling in for the night. Gnats, flies, and mosquitoes that form a cloud around any warm blooded creature who dares to venture outdoors, even for a minute. Then they have the gall to follow me INSIDE, so they can buzz and swarm around my head while I try to read in bed or fly into my nose and mouth each time I breathe or yawn or eat me alive while I toss and turn, unable to locate them and smash them. Laundry and dishes waiting to be washed, bills waiting to be paid, floors waiting to be swept and cleaned, cats waiting to be fed and petted, litter boxes and trash cans waiting to be taken out, appointments to keep, phone calls to return, letters and e-mails to answer, piles of clutter begging to be organized and put away, flowers that need to be dead headed, weeds that need to be removed, and gardens that require water and other care, grass than needs to be cut before it covers all the windows of the house. People who want to be heard, charities who want help, neighbors with complaints, solicitors and bill collectors making demands at all hours (often from people who no longer have this phone number), strangers who insist on giving unwanted advice, people suffering, longing, hurting, needing..... and my body's demands for food, drink, rest, relief from pain and fatigue. All these things and MANY more have hounded me day in and day out for as long as I can remember.
 Granted, most people deal with these sorts of things, but for those of us who are born hypersensitive, many of these things are multiplied to be louder, more obnoxious, and more relentless than most people perceive them to be. Sometimes, it feels like thousands of VERY different radio stations all playing at once. It makes me want to scream. In other words, it is OVERWHELMING. So much so that it is often difficult, even impossible, to feel calm and at ease on a daily basis. I know this is very common for people with ADD and other forms of "sensitivity". Somehow though, there must be a way of living a good, peaceful life, in spite of all that. There has to be. I intend to find it....

Not about the destination

I rested most of the day today. I've decided not to judge myself for not focusing perfectly on gratitude and living in the moment. I have spent more time trying to take care of my physical health. I know I will revisit this part of my journey at some point. It IS a journey, after all and it isn't about a destination. It is about learning and exploring and becoming better at loving. Now that I've had a week or so to relax and get some things done around here, I'm feeling a lot less stressed and a bit less depressed as well. I look forward to doing more of the things I really WANT to do, instead of the things that have no relevance for me.

Symptoms going away

The horrible symptoms have pretty much disappeared. Whew! Today, I attempted to tackle some outdoor tasks that desperately needed to be tended to. As people with chronic fatigue tend to do when they have a rare day of unusual energy, I overdid things. Now I'm exhausted and sore, but happy to have FINALLY done some much needed gardening. Hopefully, I won't be too tired to do things tomorrow. I'm just VERY happy not to have the added burden of class assignments, etc. YAY!!! I now have time to do things around here that I had to put off for so long. It will take time, but I WILL make progress.

Another antidepressant

The scary symptoms appear to be subsiding since I discontinued the antidepressant. I finally got an intake at the local mental health clinic. I waited there for over 90 minutes before the intake (done by video) began. Afterwards, I was informed that I wouldn't be able to actually see a doctor until NEXT YEAR! I have an appointment with the doctor at school tomorrow. I also have my third meeting with the anxiety support group there. I like the group so far. Unfortunately, I will probably not be allowed to continue, since I'm withdrawing from school. I won't be able to keep seeing the counselor either. Somehow, I need to find a place to get some counseling for awhile. I need to find a way to get on a different antidepressant as well. The school doctor wants me to go on a medication that costs almost $200 a month, even at the lowest dose. She says there is a patient assistance program that will pay for the meds for a year, but it will take at least a month for that to start. It seems that whatever avenue I take, it will be several weeks before I can get help. Oh well....I guess there's nothing for it.

ALARMING AND DEBILITATING

These alarming and debilitating symptoms have sort of thrown me off balance ( what little I had anyway). Tomorrow, I will see another doctor about all this. If I'm not satisfied with what he tells me, I will try to make an appointment with my regular doctor, whom I haven't seen in about 18 months. I have to find out what's going on with my body. Everyday tasks have become so hard.
I have discontinued the antidepressant, because these symptoms, in rare instances, can be caused by that particular medication. The side effect is called rhabdomyolisis, a condition wherein one's own body attacks the skeletal muscles, causing muscle weakness/stiffness and fatigue. My doctor at school wanted to test for that, but the school's lab doesn't do that particular test. I may ask my regular doctor to do it. Damn the costs. I have to find out what's wrong and how to fix it. The sooner, the better.

Stopping antidepressants

The disturbing symptoms persist. It's hard to focus on anything else and not to be worried about it all. I'm really hoping to get some answers soon. One of the possibilities is that I'm having some very rare side effects to the antidepressant I've been taking. The doctor at school had me cut the dosage in half. After several days at half dose, the symptoms are no better. I plan to simply STOP the medication completely until I get a satisfactory explanation for what I have been experiencing. I'm finding it difficult not to be scared about the way I feel physically. I'm still trying to practice gratitude, but it's not easy right now.

INTERFERENCE

Ridiculously exhausted today with muscle stiffness/weakness. I have an appointment with another doctor on Monday. I can't go on feeling like this. I have to find some way to feel better soon. This is debilitating and it interferes with every other aspect of my life right now.

QUITTING SCHOOL

I had a productive session with the counselor today. I decided to withdraw from school, for many reasons. I really should not have enrolled this semester. Tomorrow will be my first day of NOT worrying about classes and assignments. Now maybe I can get back on the path I started out on in this journey. The weird symptoms remain a mystery, but I hope to unravel it all soon.

Withdraw from school?

I'm still having bizarre, scary symptoms. I'm thinking of withdrawing from school altogether. I'll be seeing the counselor at school tomorrow and will probably make my decision then.

SYMPTOMS

I'm still not much closer to finding the cause of some of my symptoms. The doctor did determine that I had a pretty bad infection and she prescribed antibiotics.That wouldn't account for all the weird symptoms though. How much, if any of this is caused by the antidepressant is unclear. Hopefully, I will feel a good deal better soon and can get back to writing real stuff again.

RUNNING TESTS

Missed school today in order to see a doctor. She ran a bunch of tests, some of which I won't have results from until at least tomorrow. She did determine that I have a pretty bad infection and prescribed antibiotics. For now, I feel really rotten. I also feel like I have been letting everything slip for the past week or so. The garden, the house, school, and my journey have all been neglected while I've felt lousy. I did say that one of things I was focusing on was my physical health, so maybe it's not a total loss. I can only hope these bizarre and frightening symptoms will turn out to be something relatively minor and I will feel "normal" again soon.

UNMET NEEDS

In spite of how awful I felt all day, I wanted to write more about the idea that love is the answer.
On day 34 of my journey, I wrote about feeling angry for no apparent reason. I asked myself what was underneath it all and what the foundation was. Marshall Rosenberg said that underneath all anger was unmet need. I agree. If I approach my anger with love and compassion, I will be able to see the unmet needs underlying it. Then, I can try to find ways to meet those needs. The only way to deal with anger in myself is LOVE. With that in mind, I'm going to see if I can identify the need beneath my anger.

FORTRESS

So, a few days ago I mentioned love being the answer to important questions. On Day 4 of my journey, I wrote that I needed to find a way out of the fortress I had built around myself. I realize that's not exactly a question, but there's a "how" in there somewhere. If I look at this question through the eyes of love, I can see that, once again, I need to tap into the "great love" within me and in the universe. I believe love CAN set you free from fortresses made of all sorts of things. Some fortresses are made of anger. Some are made of ignorance. Others are comprised of  such things as pride, self-loathing, or shame. Mine is mostly made of fear. What is YOUR fortress made of?