GEARING UP

Today was a flurry of activity, gearing up to go from fall to winter. I'm excited to step into a new season. I'm pretty tired right now. Tomorrow will be another big day, getting a Yule tree and decorating the house. Right now, I'm feeling restless, but beat. Time to rest.

WINTER PROJECTS

I woke up today with a bad headache, feeling depressed. I decided to focus on doing stuff to lift my spirits. First, I took care of several tasks that had to be done. Then, I treated myself to Chinese food, delivered to the house. I was ravenous! After eating, I was planning to do some holiday projects, but the food made me feel suddenly wiped out. I didn't sleep much last night, so it suddenly caught up with me. I had to lie down for a bit. I ended up falling into a deep, hard sleep and woke up feeling drugged. After that, every time I geared up to do something, I quickly lost momentum and started dragging. Until dark, I had almost no energy at all. Then I was able to do a little holiday decorating and such, before my energy waned again.
Tomorrow, I have to do grocery shopping and switch things over from autumn to winter. Every three months, I change my wardrobe and dishes to match the season. I also change the scent of my toiletries. In winter, I wear black, white, grey, purple, and dark blue. I scent my lotion and soap with frankincense. It's uplifting and refreshing to make a major change with each season. I enjoy it. Some people think it's odd, but I've been doing it for over 10 years. It's like a fresh start four times a year.

SHIFTED FOCUS

My focus today was different than it had been the previous two days. I focused on pushing myself to get some things done. For the most part, it was a good experience. I got plenty of stuff done, yet had quite a few breaks for rest. I did some of the things I wanted to do as well, like painting, reading, and hanging out with the little cat that stays in our backyard. It feels good that he's trusting me more than he used to. Every now and then, something out there will spook him and he'll go back to being skittish for awhile. He gets over it though. It just takes patience. I've found that I have far LESS patience than I did even 10 years ago. I am working on myself, however, so I will get better about that.

FANCY

Today, I focused on doing whatever struck my fancy. I did some painting. I worked on organizing  and rearranging several rooms. I cooked a nice dinner. I also rested when I felt like I needed it. All in all, it was a pretty good day. Little by little, over the past few days, I've made progress in every room of the house, including the garage. I have yet to tackle the garden, but I will be up to it soon enough, I'm sure. It was really nice doing what I truly felt like doing, instead of what I thought I was "supposed" to do. Hmmm....What a concept....

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Recently, I have begun to see that my objectives for "focus" have sort of fallen by the wayside. I think I've finally figured out that whenever I set up some things to focus on, it only takes a few days for the intention to fall flat. In other words, I tend to forget. I suppose I should have realized that saying, "For the next 7 weeks, I'm going to focus on _______", would result in failure. What I need to do, is focus on ONE DAY. I think I can stay focused THAT long! The next day, I might choose the same focus or I might pick a different one. Either way, I can stick with an idea for a day. Thich Nhat Hanh says that at the end of each day, if you have taken a few steps in the direction of your ideals, then that is enough. If not, there's tomorrow. So....I will begin anew tomorrow focusing on that day only. After that, I will figure out where to go the next day. Hopefully, that will allow me to maintain some degree of focus. We'll see.

THANKSGIVING

I had a busy, pleasant day with my family. I am very grateful to have been able to spend time with them, even if it was pretty short. I was quite bothered by what seemed like a reduction in hearing in my right ear. I need to see what I can do to prevent a permanent problem. Music is way too important for me to ignore that.
I told my daughter about my ordination and plans. She was extremely supportive and said that the whole idea was really "me". I'm so happy to have the support and encouragement of those closest to me.

NO MORE

I spent the day preparing for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I don't even want to go into the complications and technical difficulties that came up. I'm grateful that we have plenty of food and a way to cook it, as well as a few people with whom to share it. I still have tons to do, but I'm turning in for the night.
I feel much better than I did yesterday. What a relief! No more of THAT drug for me! Ugh!

NEW ANTIDEPRESSANT FIASCO

Yesterday, I didn't post because I had that doc's appointment and was preoccupied with that. The doctor made a guess that I have an inner ear issue, like Meniere's or calcium deposits. She said to wait a bit to see if things cleared up. If not, I'll need to see a neurologist. She suggested that I wait until January to start taking the new antidepressant, but I told her I'd rather start now.
Today, I took the first pill and I wish I hadn't. In addition to a super-horrible headache that has lasted 7 hours so far and so much nausea that I haven't been able to eat at all, I have felt totally spaced and zombie-like. I think I WILL wait until January. With Thanksgiving and other holidays ahead, I don't need to be laid up with this! Man, I sure hope these feelings are gone by tomorrow! I still have to shop, clean, and cook for Thanksgiving!

GEARING UP FOR THANKSGIVING

I was VERY tired and in a lot of pain today. It really annoys me how little I can do before I feel wiped out. Tomorrow, I see the doctor and pick up the new antidepressant. I hope this beautiful weather continues for awhile. For now, I'm grateful it was a pleasant weekend and that I did accomplish some things last week. I'm planning to spend this coming week in preparation for Thanksgiving. I look forward to cooking a nice meal and spending time with people I love.

GLORIOUS

In spite of the fact that I felt pretty lousy all day, I did have a wonderful outing in a nearby town. I had a great meal of fresh trout at a cozy restaurant, perused an old fashioned general store, and became captivated by the musical magic of a pair known as Heartstrings. They played these amazing stringed instruments called Chapman sticks. Their music carried me off to a place of bliss and joy such as I haven't experienced in a long while. It almost made me cry. It was truly a glorious day. The weather was perfect, cool and clear, with a slight breeze. For several hours, I set aside pain, fatigue, and worry, and immersed myself in the pure joy of the moment. It was so refreshing and uplifting.
I came home feeling as though I had been beaten all over. Knackered. Wasted. Sore from head to foot. Still, the memory is LOVELY. I hope to do something like that again soon.

STEPS BACKWARDS

About a week ago, I was meditating daily and doing things that were helping me. That feels like years ago to me now. I guess I have been pretty worried about the headaches, vertigo, and disequilibrium I have been experiencing lately. It's impossible not to think about it. In the past, when I had similar symptoms, it was because my neck was messed up. After 2 or 3 days, however, it went away. This time, it has lasted weeks and my balance is really off. It's disconcerting, to say the least. Monday, I will find out whether my ears are playing a part in this. Then, I might see a chiropractor. If the doctor thinks I will need a CT scan, I guess I will go along. Better for them to find nothing than for me to worry like this. In spite of the fact that worrying is useless, I do feel rather preoccupied of late. I need to resolve this issue, so I can resume the activities that were helping me do better emotionally. I'm also hoping the antidepressant will help. I need a boost right about now.

ORDINATION

Well....I am now an officially ordained minister, enrolled in seminary. I think that's pretty exciting. I look forward to this ordination opening doors for me in the future. I think it will enable me to do a lot of good once I get better emotionally and physically.
On a different note, I'm seeing the doctor again tomorrow to look into the continuing "drunk" feeling, with its accompanying vertigo and disequilibrium. I've been having headaches too. If my inner ear isn't the culprit, I suppose I will be getting a CT scan. Ugh.
I will also be picking up a new antidepressant tomorrow. We'll see how that one works.

INTERNAL BARRIERS

Rumi said, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." That is the BOTTOM LINE in this journey I am on. To discover and eliminate all the obstacles that I have knowingly (or unknowingly) erected over the years of my life. Obstacles to my being able to love without the shackles of blinding anger, false pride, and paralyzing fear. All that has become a roadblock to my ability to live my dreams and be the person I was meant to be.
 I once wrote, "The fortress I have built to protect myself has become my prison. A prison which, long ago, ceased to contain doors or windows that could have offered me escape. So, here I am, trapped in a dungeon of my own making. A cold, dark Bastille constructed of anger and fear. Who will rescue me from myself? Who will break these chains that keep me from experiencing true freedom?" While there have been passersby who have let a sliver of light into my dungeon, it seems it is ultimately up to ME to discover the secret passage out of here. Aside from rotting in this hellhole, it is my ONLY real choice.

LATIN MUSIC FESTIVAL

I went to see my daughter yesterday and didn't get home until after midnight. I had a great time having dinner with her and her boyfriend and listening to music at the Latin Music Festival. The weather was perfect for it. The evening was topped off by getting to watch my daughter's good friends spin fire. It was amazing! I took loads of good pictures for her. It was very freeing and exhilarating to be in the midst of all that fun and celebration. I was actually able to leave my worries behind and embrace joy for an evening. I'm really happy I went, in spite of not having been able to sleep until 4am the night before.

PRODUCTS OF EGO

I've been thinking lately about times when people (myself included) get irritated or offended by others. In those cases, when we are feeling upset, we are almost always thinking about OURSELVES. We feel slighted, cheated, mistreated, or deprived.We imagine that the other person is deliberately being rude or hateful, when in reality, they probably aren't thinking of us AT ALL. They are thinking about "el numero uno", just as we usually are.
I recall a time when my job was to inventory the stock in various retail stores. During one such assignment, I literally had my head in a convenience store refrigerator counting the cold drinks and standing on a ladder. A man came along and wanted something out of the cooler I was counting in. Of course, I couldn't hear him speak over the loud whir of the cooler fans. Apparently, he had tried several times to get me to move. When I didn't hear him, he shouted, "How rude!" and stormed off. It was only then that I realized he had been speaking to me. He exited the store too fast for me to say anything. Had I known he was talking to me, I would have responded politely. I guess he never considered the fact that I might not be able to hear him, because HE couldn't hear the refrigerator fans. A friend of mine used to tell me it was always better to assume ignorance rather than malice on the part of another person. It makes sense.
Another time, while doing an inventory, I made some sort of mistake. My boss chewed me out right then and there. I was stung. Later, I found out he had just been diagnosed with cancer. His reaction to my mistake was all about his devastating and frightening news. My reaction to him was all about my own insecurity.  Our feelings of having been mistreated by another are usually tied to ego. Who are THEY to treat ME this way?  While we can't be expected to never feel insulted, I think we'd all do well to think about what's really going on when we feel annoyed or wronged by someone else. If nothing else, it might make US feel better. It is all about us, after all, right?

TOOLS

I have done some meditating the past few days. I have also started working on music again. It's rather exciting.
I lost my helper after only 2 days. It was pretty depressing at first. But then I got some wonderful garden tools for people who need to avoid bending. They're brilliant! I actually got some stuff done in the garden without hurting my back. One thing I did differently than usual was to STOP while I was still enjoying myself, rather than going until I was in loads of pain and continuing past the point of ridiculous excess. It felt really good to get some things done without feeling horrible after.

SOUL VOICE

Ambika Wauters said, "The more we develop attitudes that allow us ease, joy, and pleasure, the more energy we have for doing the difficult chores and tasks." That certainly makes sense to me. It tells me that I need to devote more time to the things I really WANT to to, the things that make me feel alive and vibrant. In the past, music was the greatest outlet for me. I could sing for hours on end, giving a voice to all that I felt and dreamed of. In music, I found an outlet for anger, joy, love, sadness, and every nuance in between. Somehow, during the past several years, I have lost touch with my very soul. I need to set aside time and energy for that again. MUSIC....the deepest love of my life. It is time for me to embrace it once more. It is time for my soul to get its voice back.

NEW FOCUS

Rumi said, "Yesterday has gone and taken away its tale.Today we must live a fresh story again." How appropriate for the focus of the next seven weeks of my journey. For the next 49 days, my focus will be on my physical and emotional well-being (especially food, rest, and exercise), fun, and JOY.
I'm going to look for ways to nourish the seeds of joy in me. My "fresh story" is going to be all about seeking joy and building it into my life.

HYPOTHYROIDISM

I can feel myself slipping back into the pit. I need to find a handhold or foothold pretty damn quick. I have an abundance of "free" time nowadays, but I lack the energy to take much action. The doctor at the local mental health place can't see me until NEXT YEAR.
Oh well. Tonight, everyone in the U.S. will gain back the hour they lost in April. May we all use it for something good. Tomorrow morning, I will start taking thyroid meds. Hopefully, they will help me feel better. It turns out that muscle weakness/stiffness are symptoms of hypothyroidism, as are ringing in the ears, dizziness, fatigue, depression, irritability, and pretty much all the other weird ailments that assail me. Here's to thyroid meds then. I'm starting on a very low dose, but we'll see.

REMEDIES

I wish I had not had to discontinue the antidepressants I was taking. It will probably be weeks before I'm able to start the new one, since I applied for assistance. I really would like to be taking something to help me over this hump. Tomorrow, I'm going to mix a bottle of flower essences and start using those. They have helped me TREMENDOUSLY in the past. I took 800mg of SAMe every day for over a year. That helped for quite awhile, then it didn't anymore. I haven't taken it for months. Maybe I should start again. I'm going to try an elimination diet after the holidays too. I really think a lot of my fatigue and general, all over lousy feeling may be caused by food intolerance. The weak, tipsy feeling often appears or gets MUCH worse after I eat. I should begin keeping a food journal, I guess.
I've been really tired all day and my back still hurts from gardening. Time to rest. Tomorrow, I have to get up early to do the grocery shopping and take advantage of the last day of early voting.