COMING EVENTS

I feel pretty discouraged about posting here these days.
The day after tomorrow, I'm seeing the doctor for my recent symptoms. A group of Tibetan monks will be coming to a nearby town the same day. They will be doing a mandala all week. I'm planning to spend a little time with them. Maybe that will help me get somewhere in this seemingly insignificant journey.

SECOND ASSIGNMENT: Forgiveness

I can't wait to see the doc to find out what to do about this 10 day headache.
It's going to take MONTHS to finish the forgiveness assignment. My list of people, including myself, is up to 20 so far. I expect it ti grow. For each of them, there are several exercises I have to do, one of which involves writing three letters for EACH person. This will take awhile. For now, I just need this headache to stop.

WHAT THE HELL?

I didn't post again. I guess I feel rather discouraged. It may be largely related to the way I've been feeling physically. Bad headaches. Sinus issues. Fatigue. I've been inexplicably bummed for several days. It came on suddenly, along with all the physical symptoms. What the hell?

DISCOURAGED

I didn't post, because I felt really lousy again. Every year between mid-February and mid-March, I hit a wall. This year, it's early. I suspect allergies are the culprit. The weird thing is that every year, I FORGET about this "wall" until I hit it once again. Less than two weeks ago, I felt pretty good. Very suddenly, I started feeling fatigued and depressed, as well as having bad headaches, body aches, and sinus issues. It all began at the same time. And it's the same every year. When the weather cools off, I feel lots better. Then, as it starts to get warm again and plants start coming back, I begin to feel lousy, out of the blue. I'm going along at a good pace, then I come to a screeching halt. It sucks. Hopefully the doctor can help me figure out what to do.
I also feel quite discouraged about this blog. I didn't start out writing it just for myself. If I wanted to do that, I'd just keep a private journal. I began it hoping that it would strike a note with some people out there, that someone would take comfort in knowing their experiences are shared. I hoped some of what I wrote would be inspiring or helpful. That hasn't happened, apparently. When I started the blog in 2010, I added a follower each week. Now, no one follows my writing. No one comments or shares. That must mean that those who stumble across this page have no interest in it. That's pretty disheartening. That's one big reason I don't bother to write on some days, or write very little. I don't feel motivated, because I seem to be writing only for myself. That wasn't what I had in mind at all. While I never expected to become an internet sensation that had half the world buzzing, I thought I would have generated SOME interest after 6 months of writing.

BUMMED

 I realized today that I have been rather depressed lately. Perhaps it is because I haven't been feeling well for the past week or so. I don't know. I suspect that has a lot to do with it.
This week's seminary assignment deals with forgiveness. That should be interesting. It's been awhile since I have allowed myself to be aware of people towards whom I have bitter feelings. The person I need most to forgive is MYSELF. More about that later. Right now, my head hurts and I feel queasy. Tomorrow, I'm making a doctor's appointment to see if I can remedy the whole nausea thing and get back to feeling better.

VERTIGO

The vertigo, headaches, and nausea have been quite severe for many days now, even worse yesterday and today. I am starting to think maybe this is brought on by allergies, since I have discovered other people are having the same experience. Pollen is terrible right now and lots of people are suffering from its effects. It's back to the doctor for me next week. I have to do something about these symptoms, so I can resume normal activity.

UNCHAINED

I've been going over the first seminary lesson again. Oh boy. I can't get past the saying, "Your word is your bond." BOND. Bondage. No thanks. Been there. Done that. The first time I got married, I was a fanatical fundamentalist. I believed if I divorced I would go to hell. I really did! Well, my husband turned out to be violent and constantlyly abusive. Psychotic, even. There were NO happy days in that marriage! Not one! Countless ministers (all male) tried to tell me I HAD to stay married. I believed them. It was a living hell. I felt stuck....trapped....hopelessly snared. The only thing that made me happy was thinking about dying. I fantasized all the time about being killed. I would be at the bank and I'd imagine a robber coming in and ordering everyone to get down on the floor. Only I wouldn't. He'd shoot me dead and I'd be released from my "bond". Finally, I realized there was no way any Higher Power would be pleased for me to live that way. With the help of a wonderful counselor, I got OUT of that nightmare. While that wasn't the last time I stuck with an abusive situation longer than I should have, I'm not in that sort of relationship now. I NEVER want to go there again! No more years wasted in suffering because of promises made before I knew better. No more. My word, therefore, will not be a chain that binds me to a hellish experience. It is given with the best of intentions, but I reserve the right to reneg if I think it is in my own best interest. I have spoken. PERIOD.

PROMISES, PROMISES

Part of the first seminary lesson was to write down spiritual goals. Since I have issues with the word "goals", I have decided to call them "intentions". I was instructed to write them, then put them in a drawer and come back to them in 8 months. Although the instructions specified that I was to "forget" about the intentions once I put them away, I wanted to write them here. The intentions with which I started this journey still stand. To be able to tap into the great love within myself, so I can give it to others. To overcome obstacles to loving and caring. To become more mindful. I have added being able to meditate regularly for 10 minutes at a time, completing the Quest, and finishing the course I'm taking, plus four more.
The discourse for this week directed me to pay attention to whether I am acting or thinking from a place of love or not. That will be something. I think I'm more often NOT coming from a place of love. I do want to change that, however.
I have stopped feeling ashamed about the whole "keeping my word" thing and started to feel rather angry. While I think it's important to be reliable, I don't agree that I have a duty to keep my word no matter what. That was part of the basic message for this week. I have a problem with it. If I say I will go somewhere or do something with someone at a particular time, I intend to follow through. But if I'm ill or an emergency arises, I will NOT expect myself to keep that date. Likewise, if I take marriage vows and my partner beats me up or abuses my kids, I will not stay in that relationship. And if I promise to keep secret what someone tells me in confidence, I will not remain silent about their plans to kill their spouse, harm their child, or take their own life. Keeping your word is a good thing, but I am opposed to the idea that I must ALWAYS keep my word at all costs! Wow! I could really get on a soapbox about THAT!

THE QUEST

I'm alternating between the seminary course and a project called "The Quest". I worked on the Quest today, but it was all introductory stuff, not really worthy of writing about. I got to work on some more creative projects today. I spent a significant amount of yesterday on them too. One drawback is that my vertigo gets bad after awhile of working on those projects. I hate that! Right now, I feel really nauseated, as though I have been on a Tilt-A-Whirl over and over. Ugh! I will call tomorrow and make another appointment with my doctor.
I haven't been able to get warm for two days, in spite of having drunk oceans of hot tea and soup, wearing layers of clothing, and turning on heaters in every room (on TOP of the central heat!) Between the damp, windy, cold weather, terrible allergies, and vertigo, I'm getting a bit worn down. I'm going to bed extra early tonight after a super hot shower. Hot water is such bliss, whether one is hot and sweaty or chilled to the bone. I'm VERY grateful for hot running water and for the fact that it is a good deal warmer INSIDE than it is outside. I have plenty of blankets as well. I feel truly fortunate for all those things and so much more. Simple pleasures are GREAT, aren't they?

FIRST ASSIGNMENT: Spiritual Goals

My first seminary lesson was about setting spiritual goals and keeping one's word. Not my favorite subjects. First of all, I hate the word "goal". I equate it with failure. In the past, when I have set goals for myself, I have expected FAR more of myself than was humanly possible. I set the bar unrealistically high, thus assuring my defeat every time. Now, that word is permanently tainted for me. I prefer to think in terms of dreams, plans, or intentions.
Then there's the issue of "keeping your word". The whole subject brings up a load of shame for me. Much in the same way I have set goals, I've often pledged myself to things that turned out to be more than I could handle, either physically or emotionally. Needless to say, others have not been pleased with what they perceived as irresponsibilty, dishonesty, or weakness on my part. Now, I'm afraid to commit to much of anything, because I never know when I will feel physically horrible or emotionally debilitated. I hate being seen as someone who can't be counted on. It makes me feel like a heel.
So, there you have it. This journey isn't all about profound wisdom and bliss. Right now, it's about SHAME and inadequacy. Who knows what suffering my unreliability has wrought? Still, I realize guilt and shame are USELESS feelings that only serve as obstacles to loving and helping others. I guess this requires more thought.

FINISH LINE

I actually pretty much finished all the rooms today. While there are little things here and there that still need to be done, the house is MUCH more organized and clean than it was a few weeks ago. We got rid of lots of stuff. The rooms feel lighter and more open. I like it! Tomorrow, I will start my first seminary assignment. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to working on some creative projects in a more neatly arranged environment.

ANTICIPATION

I didn't get anything done at home, because I had a long and frustrating morning of running errands. It all took MUCH longer than I expected, so by the time I got home, I'd run out of energy. I've made a loose schedule for the rest of the month and received my first assignment from seminary. Pretty exciting! A tiny bit scary too. I have two more days to finish my room, the kitchen, and the living room. I believe I will be able to do it.

PROGRESS

I made some progress in the kitchen and living room today. I took some big things out to the garage too. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my pain management doctor, the first in over a year. Without insurance, the office visit is $75. I hope it's worth it. After the doctor, I have to return a new phone I bought. I realized I will never use all the bells and whistles that come with it. Once that is done, I have to go grocery shopping, then come home and FINISH the kitchen and living room. I will need to push myself to get that all done. In a few days, I will be starting seminary, so I want to have my room and the rest of the house all neat and organized by then.
I'm so grateful for my thyroid meds and flower essences. They do seem to help quite a bit.

CLEANING

I've been SUPER busy trying to clean and organize my bedroom. I repainted both my bookshelves and some little things in my bathroom, installed a set of shelves in my closet, got rid of lots of junk I didn't need, and put some things away. I still have another day or so before I can say it's all finished. There's a large corner of my room that's sort of "expanding" into the rest of the room. I need to clear that out completely, so I can actually use my desk again.
Tomorrow, I plan to take some more furniture out to the garage, so it can be used for storage THERE and I want to construct a shelter for the Ninja Baby in the backyard. He had been using our shed quite nicely for about two weeks. Then, people around us shot off TONS of fireworks for hours on New Year's Eve, which not only frightened our dear little friend out of his wits, it brought "the bully" back to our yard. The tomcat invaded the shed, scaring the Ninja Baby out into the rain and cold. The poor thing has been too scared to shelter in there since. I HATE THAT!!! This little guy is so easily frightened. Every time he finds a little place to relax and feel safe, some mean cat comes in and pushes him out! I feel so angry and helpless about that! Geez, I could go on and on about that stuff. Anyone out there with a bright idea?

FLOWER ESSENCES

I took the day off to rest. At one point, late in the day, I decided to lie down for ten minutes. I didn't even sleep. The moment I sat up, the vertigo, which hasn't troubled me for weeks, came back pretty strong. I'm in bed now, about to take some meds for it.
For several weeks, I've been taking flower essences. You can use up to seven at one time. Since, they have helped me a great deal in the past, I thought it was worth a shot again. So far, they seem to be making me feel better. Here's what I've been taking: Baby Blue Eyes, for the walls I have built, my insecurities, and my lack of faith in others. Gorse, for hopelessness, pessimism, and despair. Hornbeam, for fatigue and feeling overwhelmed. Madia, for being easily distracted. Mimulus, for fear and hypersensitivity. Mustard, for depression and coming to terms with my past. Tansy, for lethargy, procrastination, and indecision. It all seems to be making a nice difference in how I feel and how I'm doing these days. Flower essences really DO work! You just have to be willing to use them at least four times a day. It takes a month or so before you notice a difference. It's very subtle. You don't wake up one day and say, "Wow! I feel great!" You realize over time that you are having a lot less trouble with things than before. Bach only wrote about 30 or so. But there are actually MANY more than that! Well over a hundred, in fact. I highly recommend them for all sorts of emotional issues.

CRAFT ROOM FINISHED!

Today, I finally finished the craft room. It looks really open and clean now, more than it ever has. I'm quite happy with it. I decided to take it easy tomorrow, rather than plunge right into cleaning my bedroom. I'm exhausted, hurting, and rather burned out. I still have my room, the kitchen, the living room, and the garage/shed to do, but I will give out if I keep on at this pace. So...tomorrow I plan to mostly rest, but I can always do a little organizing or something if I really feel up to it.

PROJECTS

I wasn't able to finish the craft room today. I did, after much rearranging, get all the shelves and such placed and painted. I got many things put away. All that's left is to finish putting away the rest of the mountain that covers and surrounds my craft table and clean the floor. Then, I will be able to stand back and feel good about the finished room. Tomorrow is supposed to be another cold, wet day. It's good to have big projects to keep busy with.

CRAFT ROOM

I started working on the craft room in earnest.Oh man! I forgot how a house turns into a total disaster when it's in transition. I threw lots of things out and put quite a bit into a Goodwill bin. All of the holiday stuff is now sorted into bins, instead of small, ratty boxes. Three shelf units and a freezer have been taken out of there, to be put neatly in the garage. I painted several pieces of remaining furniture a nice Carolina blue. By this time tomorrow, I plan to have the whole room moved around and everything put away. I'm very tired and I hurt all over, but it will be worth it when everything's all finished and looking nice.

REST AND PRAYERS

Yesterday, New Year's Day, started off all wrong. Things continued downhill all day. I spent most of the time feeling really angry at what was taking place. Then, I felt sad and defeated. Later though, I started to realize that I was fed up of feeling tossed about by circumstances. I forced myself to tackle one half of the messy garage. I felt some better after that
Today, I told myself that I would be no good to ANYONE, myself included, if I allowed myself to be totally stressed out about things over which I have no control. I know. Sometimes we stay stressed and anxious about things in order to fool ourselves into thinking we are actually DOING something about situations in which we can't do anything! In spite of the fact that I have been fighting off a sinus/tonsil thing, I made myself go out and get some cleaning and organizing supplies and start clearing out the clutter in the craft room. In a few days, I can call it a craft room again, instead of a "crap room". Tonight, I will get some rest and say a few prayers. Things will work out. I just need to trust that they will.