My first seminary lesson was about setting spiritual goals and keeping one's word. Not my favorite subjects. First of all, I hate the word "goal". I equate it with failure. In the past, when I have set goals for myself, I have expected FAR more of myself than was humanly possible. I set the bar unrealistically high, thus assuring my defeat every time. Now, that word is permanently tainted for me. I prefer to think in terms of dreams, plans, or intentions.
Then there's the issue of "keeping your word". The whole subject brings up a load of shame for me. Much in the same way I have set goals, I've often pledged myself to things that turned out to be more than I could handle, either physically or emotionally. Needless to say, others have not been pleased with what they perceived as irresponsibilty, dishonesty, or weakness on my part. Now, I'm afraid to commit to much of anything, because I never know when I will feel physically horrible or emotionally debilitated. I hate being seen as someone who can't be counted on. It makes me feel like a heel.
So, there you have it. This journey isn't all about profound wisdom and bliss. Right now, it's about SHAME and inadequacy. Who knows what suffering my unreliability has wrought? Still, I realize guilt and shame are USELESS feelings that only serve as obstacles to loving and helping others. I guess this requires more thought.
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